Poetry

destroy

If you’re going to break my heart
do it whole-heartedly
unapologetically
step on every last piece of me

don’t leave me hanging
on thoughts of possibility
thoughts of you with me
like we used to be

because I will cling on
to every last memory
my heart, an accessory
always on my sleeve

spare the ambiguity
and let me know
I wasn’t the one to snatch your soul
being with me was never your goal
you don’t need to say it, I overlooked the signs you’ve shown

I need you to say it
I give you full permission
tell me my future didn’t match your vision
why didn’t I listen to my intuition?

but once I let go
just know that’s the last of me I’m giving

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Poetry

up

strolling through life
I often forget to
look up

where I see something
greater
than myself

I look up
and find
depth

a broader sense
of what is
out there

as opposed to
what’s in
here

a combination,
alliance of congruency
and opposition

where ends meet
and circles begin
I look up again

and find serenity
in the multitude of
patterns

tracing the outlines
with my own eyes
I feel freedom

in connecting the dots
and sketching the skies
feeling the sun on my face

I look up
and I see the clouds flow
freely between end to end

but the sky is vast
opening my eyes to
another world beyond my own

I look up and see
infinite possibilities
of a better tomorrow

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thoughts

Iso

My favourite play in the book
but I stand frozen
unable to take the shot…


 

This is what I like to do when I go through some shit: isolate.

I isolate myself from everyone because I don’t want to burden them with my problems. I don’t want to burden them with my negativity. Nobody wants to deal with another’s problems. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, so why add onto their plate?

They’re my friends, they’re there for me, supporting me. I get it.

But I’d rather deal(suffer) on my own… I know they’re tired of hearing the same fucking story. Shit, I’m even tired of telling it because I hear the same responses repeatedly.

You’re one of the strongest people I know
You’ll get through this
You’ve been through this before, don’t worry
You’ll be fine
It gets better

Shit like that. It’s endearing but quite frankly I’m tired of it. I feel like I have to be strong to show everybody the power of resilience and picking yourself up again and mending your heart, blah blah blah, because that’s who I “am”. That is how I’ve built myself – from the rubble up, countless times.

But I’m convinced that the world doesn’t want to see a weak me.

I’m sick of pretending that I’m okay and getting by and dealing with it.
Are you okay?
No I’m not fucking okay but I’ve written so many lines on my face that it looks like a smile, that I look like I’m okay.

I thought I was getting better but it seems I’ve gotten better at suppressing how I truly feel.

I’m exhausted.

I just want to stay isolated and not interact with the outside world. Just leave me alone and let me crumble in peace (or pieces).

Please.

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thoughts

Heavy

You look slim.

Well, yeah. I’ve been carrying my own weight on my back for the past three weeks. So of course, I’ve lost some of me along the way.

I don’t know how much longer I can continue like this, to be honest. I’ve fallen before and it took me one whole month of darkness, followed by the anguish of crawling out of that hole, to realize that I was the light at the end of the tunnel.

But I don’t want to fall again. I’m trying so fucking hard not to fall again, believe me. I do not want to fall again.

That dark place frightens me… I was the most numb I have ever been in my life and I do not want to go back to that lack of feeling anything.

But I know I’m slipping. I feel myself slipping. It never hit me until my sister told my mother to hug me because I was sad. Was my emptiness that evident? Of course it was – I always forget that my eyes never lie.

It never hit me until my friends told me that they needed me here, that I was irreplaceable, that they wanted me to stay. A simple four letter word, yet I laid in my bed bawling because I think they were thinking I was going to leave… Like I was even thinking of it………………. Maybe. But where would I even go? I can’t just fall off the face of the earth… Though I have started to slowly remove myself from the social face of the earth… I’ve already off’ed myself from there. I no longer care to show face on these platforms.

I no longer care to put on a show for people.

It never hit me until I prayed to God to make sure that I’ll be okay.

You stay asking me if I’m okay when you know me better than I know myself (sometimes… most times). I know you know that I’m not. What the fuck do you want me to say? What do you really want me to say?

That I’m still only functioning because I have responsibilities that I cannot stray from?
That I’m still only functioning because I’m working towards achieving my goals?
That I’m still only functioning because I’m forcing myself to be strong for one more day?

Do you know how fucking hard it is to “normally” function while having another episode?

Everyday is a new battle with the same boss in a different form.

Please believe me when I say I’m fighting it. Please believe me.
Please believe me when I say I’m trying. I’m trying so hard.
Please believe me when I say I come out a winner every time.

And I do. But is there even a point in me winning when I have nobody to share this victory with? It’s not the same.

I come out more victorious than the last but I can feel my demons creeping up on me. They’re creeping up ever so slyly and I know they’re going to strike out of the blue one day.
I tell myself I’m much stronger than this and that I’ve been through much worse and have pulled through. I tell myself that I’m a much bigger boss than these levels I face but everyday is a new battle and I never get a chance to rest.

I said I would be waiting for you at the finish line
but I don’t even know if I can take another step.

I know there is no expiry date on recovery or healing time but I’m exhausted of dragging myself to fight myself another day when all I want to do is just lay down and sleep for a long while…

I’m trying, I swear…

 

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Poetry

Float

I’m above the surface
relaxed

not worried of what is going around me
I focus solely on keeping
afloat

eyes closed, leaning back
I feel at one with my surroundings

a sense of tranquility
I don’t feel the waves crashing
I don’t feel the winds raging

I am one with nature at this point
in the centre of this body
lies the weight of breathing

inhaling slowly, carefully exhaling
I stay still in this body
of water

but the second I open my eyes
I hear the whistles
I hear the collisions

nature becomes one with me
my chest heavy
sinking me to the depths
of this body

I am drowning
from the inside out
I’m breathing in water

this body no longer feels familiar

I continue to sink in
feeling my environment
I thought water was supposed to be
soft

eyes wide open
I am aware of my descent
and I cannot stop

the weight of my breathing
takes me further

and I close my eyes
to feel the water within me
rushing
my chest empties
and I breathe one last time

resting below the surface
drowning

 

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Music

Childish Gambino – So Into You (Cover)

Cover:

 

Original:

 

[Verse 1]
With every passing moment
Thoughts of you run through my head
Every time that I’m near you
I realize that you’re heaven sent

[Bridge]
I think you’re truly something special
Just what my dreams are really made of
Let’s stay together you and me boy
There’s no one like you around
Oh baby

[Hook]
I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it, I’m so into you
I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it, I’m so into you

[Verse 2]
It could be the way that you hold me
It could be the things that you say
Oh I’m not too sure what it is boy
But I know I like feeling this way

[Bridge]
I think you’re truly something special
Just what my dreams are really made of
Let’s stay together you and me boy
There’s no one like you around
Oh baby

[Hook]
I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it, I’m so into you
I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it, I’m so into you
I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it, I’m so into you
I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it, I’m so into you

[Verse 3]
I really like
What I feel when I’m with you
You’re a dream come true
Don’t you ever leave my side
‘Cause it feels so right

[Hook]
I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it, I’m so into you
I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it, I’m so into you
I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it, I’m so into you
I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it, I’m so into you
I’m so into you
I’m so into you
Oh, I’m so into you

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Music

Justin Bieber ft. Big Sean – No Pressure

 

[Verse 1: Justin Bieber]
You ain’t gotta answer none of my calls
I’m believing you’ll pick up one day
I don’t wanna add to your pain at all
I’m praying that time makes a change in your life
I’m realizing how much you made a change in my life
And I don’t wanna spend it with nobody else
Hear me? Don’t nobody deserve myself
Oh no, baby what I’m saying is

[Chorus: Justin Bieber]
You ain’t gotta make your mind up
You ain’t gotta make your mind up right now
Right now, don’t rush, no pressure
You ain’t gotta make your mind up
You ain’t gotta make your mind up right now
Calm down, don’t rush, no pressure

[Verse 2: Justin Bieber]
Thought that you were in it for the paper
Never thought I’d take you serious
Now I need you, not a moment later
Losin’ it, I’m so delirious
And I’ma put up a fight for it
Never give up a love like this
Finally I found someone
That can do me like no other
Talking to my conscience
I made a few mistakes
I did it to myself
I’m the only one to blame
I know you need a little while to believe again
To love again

[Chorus: Justin Bieber]
You ain’t gotta make your mind up
You ain’t gotta make your mind up right now
Right now, don’t rush, no pressure
You ain’t gotta make your mind up
You ain’t gotta make your mind up right now
I’ll be waiting for you
Don’t rush, no pressure
You ain’t gotta make your mind up
You ain’t gotta make your mind up right now
Right now, don’t rush, no pressure
You ain’t gotta make your mind up
You ain’t gotta make your mind up right now
Don’t rush, no pressure

[Bridge: Justin Bieber]
Put my key in the ignition
Don’t rush it girl, just stretch it out for me
I know that you ain’t got no place to be
Girl I need your attention
And every time I see you make that face
I wanna love you all over the place
Don’t do it, baby
Don’t do it to me, no, no

[Verse 3: Big Sean]
I know you don’t wanna talk, right
We’ve been on and off like the cross lights
You heard I’m playin’ with them hoes like I golf, right?
When I touch you, I get frostbite
Girl you’re so cold, so cold, so cold
How we so young but livin’ so old?
In the bed together but we sleepin’ solo
That could drive you loco
You supposed to be my uno, Yoko Ono
Oh no, round two again
We’ve been fighting more than Ryu and Ken
Last time we argued eight straight days
I learned my lesson, I got straight As
And I know it’s deeper than masseuses
Oh, you know I eat the cookie like I’m Lucious
Go ahead and take the time
But it’s a waste of time if your waist ain’t on mine
Think about it

[Chorus: Justin Bieber]
You ain’t gotta make your mind up
(make your mind up)
You ain’t gotta make your mind up right now
(right now)
Don’t rush, no pressure
(there ain’t no pressure)
You ain’t gotta make your mind up
(no ohh)
You ain’t gotta make your mind up right now
(I’ll be waiting for you)
Don’t rush, no pressure
(baby don’t rush)
You ain’t gotta make your mind up
You ain’t gotta make your mind up right now
Don’t rush, no pressure
(You can take it easy now)
You ain’t gotta make your mind up
You ain’t gotta make your mind up right now
(And I’ll still be right here)
Don’t rush , no pressure

[Outro: Justin Bieber]
Say yeah, say yeah
You ain’t gotta make your mind up now
Know I did you wrong
Let your heart heal
Don’t rush, no pressure

 

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