I was always hesitant about writing again.

I had done an impeccable job building a wall around my emotions that I forgot what it was like to feel again. To express myself through a means of writing. I let the pressure build up to the point where I would be right at the moment before combustion but never explode.

Without a doubt, I was capable of feeling. But to openly put it into words? I was mute.

I guess I was tired. Exhausted, actually. But I was also afraid. I knew that drawing upon past feelings and experiences would be triggering. I know myself and I know that my mind would linger. I would stroll on the road of what if even though I knew it was a dead end. Snapshots of Memory Lane became a neverending rerun and I knew it would disturb my peace.

But what I failed to realize back then was that I need to be in peace with my past. In order for me to leave this road, I needed to accept the lessons that I learned and apply them onto the paths I will be taking.

Easier said than done, obviously.

Some demons are more powerful than others… Sometimes the biggest demon is your own fucking self – and that was something else I had to come in terms with. My depression anchored my mentality and thoughts to rock bottom and I was too tired to even try and uplift that. My mind was an infinite white noise in a crowded room of conversation and I just wanted to fucking turn off the program.

So I did. I turned off my ability to release my mental commotion. I turned off my ability to feel light. I turned off my ability to love. I conditioned myself and adapted to this coldness so that I wouldn’t feel vulnerable again. However, I grew tired of feeling nothingness and I wanted to remember what it felt like to be bigger than myself.

So I decided that this would be my first step.


One thought on “Vulnerable

  1. Wer seinen neuen Schlafraum anordnen möchte, jener wird des Öfteren seinen Traum auf ein großes Lager sich aus dem Kopf schlagen, weil sich einfach der Platz für dieses Wunschbett nicht aufspüren lässt. Oftmals wird das Stellen eines Schranks oder einer Kommode als sinnvoller geachtet, dadurch ausreichend Stauraum vorhanden ist. Aber wer sich in der großen Bettenwelt umschaut, der wird durchschauen, dass er sich ein Ruhelager in Wunschgröße kaufen kann und so die präferierte Liegefläche und ausreichend Raum und auch Lampen zum Einsatz bringen kann. Speziell in modernen Kinderzimmern ist der Platzmangel ausgebrochen und so ist das Funktionsbett ein beliebtes Kinderbett, dass mittels seine natürlichen Werkstoffe wie Gehölz voll dem Trend zu einem gesunden Wohnraum folgt.


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