thoughts

Heavy

You look slim.

Well, yeah. I’ve been carrying my own weight on my back for the past three weeks. So of course, I’ve lost some of me along the way.

I don’t know how much longer I can continue like this, to be honest. I’ve fallen before and it took me one whole month of darkness, followed by the anguish of crawling out of that hole, to realize that I was the light at the end of the tunnel.

But I don’t want to fall again. I’m trying so fucking hard not to fall again, believe me. I do not want to fall again.

That dark place frightens me… I was the most numb I have ever been in my life and I do not want to go back to that lack of feeling anything.

But I know I’m slipping. I feel myself slipping. It never hit me until my sister told my mother to hug me because I was sad. Was my emptiness that evident? Of course it was – I always forget that my eyes never lie.

It never hit me until my friends told me that they needed me here, that I was irreplaceable, that they wanted me to stay. A simple four letter word, yet I laid in my bed bawling because I think they were thinking I was going to leave… Like I was even thinking of it………………. Maybe. But where would I even go? I can’t just fall off the face of the earth… Though I have started to slowly remove myself from the social face of the earth… I’ve already off’ed myself from there. I no longer care to show face on these platforms.

I no longer care to put on a show for people.

It never hit me until I prayed to God to make sure that I’ll be okay.

You stay asking me if I’m okay when you know me better than I know myself (sometimes… most times). I know you know that I’m not. What the fuck do you want me to say? What do you really want me to say?

That I’m still only functioning because I have responsibilities that I cannot stray from?
That I’m still only functioning because I’m working towards achieving my goals?
That I’m still only functioning because I’m forcing myself to be strong for one more day?

Do you know how fucking hard it is to “normally” function while having another episode?

Everyday is a new battle with the same boss in a different form.

Please believe me when I say I’m fighting it. Please believe me.
Please believe me when I say I’m trying. I’m trying so hard.
Please believe me when I say I come out a winner every time.

And I do. But is there even a point in me winning when I have nobody to share this victory with? It’s not the same.

I come out more victorious than the last but I can feel my demons creeping up on me. They’re creeping up ever so slyly and I know they’re going to strike out of the blue one day.
I tell myself I’m much stronger than this and that I’ve been through much worse and have pulled through. I tell myself that I’m a much bigger boss than these levels I face but everyday is a new battle and I never get a chance to rest.

I said I would be waiting for you at the finish line
but I don’t even know if I can take another step.

I know there is no expiry date on recovery or healing time but I’m exhausted of dragging myself to fight myself another day when all I want to do is just lay down and sleep for a long while…

I’m trying, I swear…

 

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