Tonight was the first time I had gone to church in two years.
It was weird because even in being in that church from the last time I had gone in January 2015, I had stopped regularly going to church back in 2012/2013. I would only go to church for Easter/Lent and Christmas. So my attendance was extremely sparse in that time.
I always saw myself as more spiritual than religious and had refused going to church regularly as I grew into adolescence and young adulthood. I thought it was useless and a waste of my time, to be honest. At first it was a rebellious act against my parents forcing me to go every Sunday (it was a part of our traditions/culture). But as I got older I wanted to explore the spiritual world as separate from religion.
Walking into church for the first time in two years felt so… nostalgic. I grew up in this church. It was the church that my family and all of my cousins went to, and we all grew up there together.
I thought it was odd for me to have not forgotten the prayers and the mannerisms… I literally remembered them all without even looking at the projected words. I was surprised at myself but at the same time this was ingrained.
One of the priests there was talking about Jesus being the light for the man in the dark… I started to tear up from then because I started to think that I was the man in the dark… I’ve been in this place of darkness for so long now and I didn’t know what to do so I thought church would be a plausible solution for my spiritual self. I didn’t know how to help myself anymore so I thought that maybe God could help me… I started thinking of my prayer as he was speaking…
When I got up to take the bread, I started to cry.
Then when I went back to our pew to kneel and pray, I closed my eyes and cried even more.
God, it’s been two years since I’ve last been here and spoken to you. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nobody can help me. I am no longer able to help myself… I don’t know how to help myself anymore. I thought that I would be able to but I’ve hit my absolute bottom so I thought that coming to You would be of help. And I think that when people sink to their absolute bottom, they seek God for help. So here I am… Trying to look for help…
I don’t know who I am anymore… There is this gaping hole in my chest. I am still capable of love, believe me, I am full of love, but my heart does not beat the same. My chest is heavy, my head is heavy, my heart is heavy… I can’t seem to get back up sometimes but I promise you that I’m fighting. I’m fighting so hard because I don’t want to die again. I do not want to die again.
I just wanted to thank You for blessing me with my friends and my family and an outlet to release my pain… I want to thank You for giving me them because I would have probably killed myself already. Although I know I do not have the strength to do that, I know I do have the strength to think of doing such things… So thank You for giving me them.
I’m not going to lie. I don’t know if I will be back at church next week, or the week after that and what have you. I needed You so badly tonight, though. I needed that light.
I don’t know how much longer I can push myself but I promise I’m still fighting.