thoughts

If You’re Reading This

I’m already on my plane and I’ll be on my way.

I’ve said my goodbyes although I know I’m coming back. But, this one-way ticket is my only salvation right now.

These past few months have been excruciatingly tough for me, mentally. I forgot who the fuck I was – who the fuck I am. It was a constant battle of me reminding myself of my worth versus questioning why I was not worth the risk. I questioned why I wasn’t worth it, period.

I was at my all time low, floating at the bottom of whatever feeling this was, with no power to push myself to swim. I was exhausted… I grew so exhausted of my surroundings and of myself that I forgot what it was like to be happy.

But I was trying so hard to swim. I wrote a book and am now pushing it forward, I write for a music blog, I’ve worked endless hours, shit I even started taking Muay Thai classes to channel my anger and frustrations. I have also kept myself occupied with so many others things that I am doing for (and by) myself but I am only capable of holding this act together for so much longer. I felt so empty after having accomplished so much in so little time but I also felt dead towards every accomplishment.

I am burnt out.
I have been burnt out.

At the peak of this, I had messaged my friends in America and straight up said, “I’m coming to you. I’m going through another depressive episode.” That’s when I told myself, Fuck it. I am leaving.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted out. I knew there were more ways out than to completely be gone. That’s when I decided that I was going to leave for a little while. I couldn’t breathe. It was so hard for me to breathe the air here. I needed a break and I needed to breathe.

I planned everything accordingly and to the T… Which is why I haven’t been active on my blog. I was mentally and emotionally preparing myself for this trip. I was preparing for the head space that I have been longing for.

I was preparing to chase back the dopamine.

Though these past few months have been difficult, May has proven to me that the love I lost came back to me through other means. It was a slow climb – I’m still climbing – but I know I’ll get back up again.

I need this right now. I need this for my mental health. I need this for my heart. I need this for my soul.

I’ll be gone for a little bit, but I’ll always be with my loved ones. These waves never die.

I know who I am. It’s not like I never did. My self-awareness has grown during the time that I was down. This trip is only going to further solidify who I am as a person. As a woman.

If you fail to see who I am by the time I come back, shit, if you fail to see who I am RIGHT NOW… That is the truest tragedy. Not my depression. Not my anxiety.

But your inability to see the light.

I’ll be back soon,

I promise.

 

 

 

 

 

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