about silence.

About why I’ve been silent for all of these months.

Let’s talk about the absence of my love and presence of hatred. Because I’ve not only forgotten but chosen to forget what it was like to feel love. This absence of love has destructed my ability to feel love and feel empathy, compassion, sympathy. Though I had been feeling this non-feeling, I was completely aware of it. I never gave myself the time or space to truly feel all that has happened to me, even though I reflect on these events everyday. Even though I was and am completely aware of the fact that I still held on to hate.

And it was only one week ago where I had stood in my room and cried for ten minutes. That was when I felt it. In that short period of time, I felt the hatred dissolve and I felt one step closer to the love I used to hold for not myself but for those around me. There was still something missing, though. I knew what it was but it was entirely my fault as to why I was where I was… My fault as to why I am where I am – mentally and emotionally.

It’s been a lonely, dark road that I built for myself. I was tired. I needed to stray away to figure out what was going on inside of me. But in doing so, I became too comfortable with my solitude. I became too comfortable with my independence. I feel like I’ve built this road while destroying my path in the process. There was no intention behind this, behind the construction of this path off-road, away from the people I love.

I’m still here, but I haven’t looked back… and because of that I feel like I’ve lost so many people that I love. I feel truly alone and I have nobody to blame but myself for this.

My loneliness is a cause of my actions and I so desperately try to look back, to reach back, but I feel as if it’s too late.

Because it is.

Though I feel like I have emotionally grown from this past year alone, I think that I often blur the lines between numbness and being emotionally aware of myself and how I feel – in other words, I stop myself from feeling.

I preach the book of self love and loving yourself wherever I go, however, I never speak these words to myself. I feel like I have conditioned myself to (as my friend puts it) react differently. As opposed to feeling things so deeply and allowing myself to do so, I don’t. Instead, I fill up my schedule so that I will continue to keep my mind off of what my actual problem is. This has become my way of “coping”. I know it’s counterproductive. I know it continues to push me further away from the people I love… I know this… So why does it not register to me that I need love again? That I need to allow myself to love the rough parts without forcing them to be smooth so soon? Is it because I have conditioned myself for so long?

I’m sitting at my desk in my office as I type all of these words and I wonder when it will hit me. When my old heart will make its appearance. But do I really want to allow that side of me again? I’ve learned to love and I’ve learned to let it in but I’ve also learned to be choosy. To be picky. To not exert my love to things that don’t water me…

Maybe I have grown and realized that I cannot be fully logical without compassion, without love.

I sit and I wait and it hits me but I let it fall.

I sit and I wait and it hits me but I let it fall.

There are moments where I do catch the signs but don’t apply them to me. I just store them and I now carry a collection of inspiration but it hasn’t spoken to me yet. Perhaps the words don’t fully mean something to me yet.

How much more can someone wait until they fall into complete isolation?

How much more can someone do until they realize their actions do not fulfill their void feelings?

I miss having a best friend.


















It’s been three months since my last blog post. I have chosen not to write as I am not in the same place as I was before. I needed the time to myself to get things off my chest – I needed to clear my mind, and most importantly, I needed to clear my heart.

I did most of that all while deconstructing myself (once again) to get to the root of my bittersweet feelings. The wait was intentional because I wanted my heart to be back where my pen was. However, no matter the number of times I tried to get back to it, the feeling was no longer there, or the words didn’t flow as easily as they used to. Excuse or not, I took one of the longest hiatuses from my pen game which is why I’m not able to produce as well as I used to. I’ve turned to other means to release any feelings of discomfort and negativity which could be another reason as to why I haven’t been back at the pen. My pen seems to be missing my heart but I will keep [my attempts at] writing until they meet again.

In getting to know myself and feel myself grow, I have prioritized doing everything else instead of allowing myself to feel through whatever I am going through. I am not sure if I have grown into this or if this is just another one of my coping mechanisms but I feel like I have become wiser with my emotions (if that makes sense) and more realistic with how I feel as an emotional being.

Control is something that I have lost before my hiatus and I took the time to train myself into gaining more control over my emotions and mental space. I took the time to really hone my feelings so that I  won’t lose my shit again, but even more so that I won’t lose myself again.

Getting back into the other hobbies I like doing has also helped to restore some kind of balance in my life that I have been missing for a while. It was almost as if it was a reminder that there is not one formula to reach self love. Though I spend my time delving into other side projects, I’ve also been dedicating a lot of my time to my job. (Who doesn’t need money in this economy?)

I’ve become more focused on my larger goals and dreams that I pushed all else aside so that I can work within a tunnel vision. As great as that sounds, having tunnel vision made me miss the importance of things outside of the view, such as my health, my friends, family, etc.

Not even gonna lie, my mind is all over the place because I have yet to start this paper, but I made a promise to myself to start writing again because I’ve lost touch with something that I’m actually good at.

And after spending time reading through my old poems and watching old performances, I can already feel the disappointment from the writer side of me.



Do you see how much power she holds in just the spaces?
She leaves them open
for you

Do you see how much force weighs in the just bones of her fingers?
How much strength she holds back because she knows what she is truly capable of?


I haven’t been myself lately and it’s evident. I was merely living in between the lines and not outside of the box I love to shield myself in.

But I have found my peace. Or so, I thought.

She no longer lives here. Serenity only filled the oxygen I was breathing for one fucking day. Now I feel sick and full of pollution.

I didn’t know how quickly my heart could be filled with such burning anger and hatred… It’s scary how it terrorized the love I struggled to but successfully build.

She doesn’t live here anymore.

And I’m scared.

My space has never been filled with such blistering negativity. If it had in the past, I made sure to rid of it before it encapsulates my entire being but I’m afraid it is too late.

My chest now rests in the pit of my stomach and I no longer have an appetite for anything.

I was told by many that my glow and happiness have inspired them to start/strengthen/continue their journey of self-discovery and self-love. I was told that my glow was so bright and beautiful…

To my friends reading this, to my friends that still care about me, to my friends that still love me despite this [temporary] storm, to those who looked up to me, to those who came to me for love and light and wisdom, to those who came to me for solace, to those that saw me as a “Queen”, to my cousins, to my sister…

I am sorry for disappointing you.

I’m never one to drag others down with me, so I ask that you respect my space. I won’t be here but I’ll still be around.

I know I’m going to look back at this post a few/several months from now and cringe at how I allowed this to happen to myself [again]. But I also know that I’m going to look back and be proud of how much I have grown from this bludgeoning moment and how much more I have loved myself.

But for now, I’ll keep fighting this losing battle.

I miss her. If anyone sees her, tell her that home is waiting for her return.



Chasing Dopamine: LA

I’ve purposely avoided writing this for the simple fact that I did not want to write this at all. There were a lot of things that I wish I could have re-done, so many more places I wish I could have visited, and most importantly, things that I wanted to do by myself.

I’ve avoided writing this because I knew that it would bring back feelings of regret and disappointment.

It still stings to write this NOW – after having landed back in Toronto over a month ago… But I do realize that these are the things that have happened and that I absolutely cannot change. Therefore, they have become lessons for myself for the next time.

I definitely realized I still fall back into bad habits… I got distracted in LA. That is the perfect description of what had happened to me in my time here. I got distracted. Maybe it was the “glitz and glam” of the city, maybe it was because I devoted parts of me and my time into someone – maybe it was both. I got lost in the land of dreams, forgetting that you get lost in yourself too.

LA is so beautiful but it certainly does not wash over the fact that it is still nitty and gritty underneath the surface – (perhaps I am wrong, but this is my outsider view of the city). I’ve heard one too many stories of the city being so fake and it really made me wary of the people I would meet out there. Though I hadn’t met as many people out in LA, the very few I did meet, highlighted a lot of things about myself that I am still trying to work on/develop.

My “distraction” showed me that I still harbour trust issues. He could see it in the ways that I interacted with him, in the ways that I would question a lot, in my tone of voice… Well, of course, meeting someone in a completely different city has you cautious but he felt I was overly cautious (which I did see). Of course I had to be, however, I did see his intentions and he really did look out for me even though we had a short amount of time together. Though our interaction was not “deep”, I was grateful for the moments where we shared our art, shared our experiences, and shared laughter. After having told him the real reason why I left Toronto, he was very humbled (I’m crying as I type this) and told me that he was happy to be the one to put a smile on my face after having gone through what I did. There were a lot of little things that he did and said that made me feel (dare I say it) beautiful – that word included. It may not have meant much to him, but I appreciated it.

I missed out on an open mic in the city (ugh) HOWEVER, I was able to sit in on a book reading and Q&A from this poet that I follow on Twitter. You already know that THIS sole event put me back on my frequency and it was exactly what I needed and wanted to experience. From these few hours, I learned a lot about digging deep into the self to find the root of my issues and also learned (am still learning) about letting go. I was more than humbled to get to share a few words with the poet himself (and maybe I bought his book and got it signed too). My heart and soul were full. And yes I left the event in tears. Being in this space among other writers reminded me of the balance I was looking for – it reminded me that my heart stays replenishing itself of love and fullness.

Though I got to experience the few things I wanted to truly do, I will say that feeling the waves in motion, feeling the waves of the water, and most importantly, feeling the waves of emotion got me to to appreciate these rare opportunities of new environments. The one thing I truly wanted out of both trips was the space to breathe – the space to escape whatever I was feeling in Toronto. With LA, I felt the strength of the waves, the calmness of the breezes, and the vastness of the scenery. I don’t know what it is about LA that has me hooked but I managed to remain inspired by my surroundings at every waking second.

I left LA with new poems and a greater understanding of myself and how my heart operates with others that may need my love. I left LA with a greater understanding of my selflessness – although I would say that I am becoming more selfish, I feel like I need to dedicate my entire essence into myself when times of selfishness arise. I left LA with a greater understanding of my purpose – I am a source of light and healing. I left LA with a greater understanding of my time – I tend to give it to those who are unsure of it and don’t know what to do with it. I left LA with a greater understanding of my sense of direction – I may not know where I am going, and I know I may get lost on the way, but I will always find my path. I left LA with a greater understanding of my relationship with the universe.

I came back with a stronger heart, a more understanding mind, and a more balanced spirit.


Chasing Dopamine: A Conversation

My friend had DM’ed me while I was on my Greyhound bus from Vegas to LA and this was the [edited] conversation that had transpired:

“What have you gained from this experience?”

Thus far? Knowing my capabilities.. My limits..

Funny bc everyone Ive met has said the same things about me which basically reinforces what I already know but Ive never owned it. Im owning me and what I do and who I am, especially as a woman. That’s one

Two, Ive had convos with folks who have also told me to do fuck all before settling. Make sure I got me before anything else. I feel like I already do in a sense lmao but there is so much of me I have yet to learn and experience and love and change/grow. Like, I deadass forget Im only 21. I have the world ahead of me especially with the opportunities I am taking and making for myself

Im meeting hella people, yeah, but that shit never mattered to me unless I leave some type of imprint or I learn something from them and vice versa

Energy never dies nor lies, yo. Shit is hella real lol

“Expand on ‘as a woman’”

Im still trying to deconstruct that tbh

But I feel like this whole self awareness thing plays a huge part in it. Im getting more in touch with my emotions, my mind, and my body and being comfortable with who I am. But also comfortable enough to know that I have to step out of that zone in order for me to progress. Words mean a lot and hold so much power so I try my best to think about what I say. I think how I portray myself is also important. Lmao Ive cleaned up over the years and Im just hella growing from here. But yeah, Ive grown to be comfortable in my shell. Im built different but Ive also built myself differently, if that makes sense


I can’t find the right words for it, but as I was typing all this to him, everything started to feel in place. Like I was supposed to be there in that exact moment. The serenity in me finding myself while on the way to my next destination opened another path for me, showing me that this is what love is supposed to feel like. This is what peace is supposed to feel like. This is what happiness is supposed to feel like. So best believe I was crying while typing that. It’s been a long ass time since I have felt in balance with my emotional, mental, and physical being. With those three in sync, I feel like my spiritual being has become more full than ever.

I am content with my journey. I am satisfied. However, that does not mean that I am not hungry for more.

This just means that I have taken that step towards that sense of more. This means that I am no longer afraid of who I am becoming – who I am supposed to be. Am I afraid of the journey? Best believe I am. But with every day comes new lessons and a stronger sense of preparedness.

I have grown to love and live within my solitude. And that’s all you really need on this journey. The comfort of being by yourself, the comfort of being in your head, the comfort of knowing you will be in uncomfortable situations. All of this is a part of a process.

In knowing that, it’s up to you on whether or not you want to ride.

But for me? I’m already riding my waves. And I’m grateful for the fact that I know how to swim.


Chasing Dopamine: Las Vegas

My first city all by myself? Of course I was terrified but I was more than ready.

There were so many last minute changes to this trip in specific but I rode the wave and it took me on the most spontaneous of journeys.

I’m not gonna lie – I had no idea what I was doing. I was literally planning out my week during my first night in my first airbnb. This spot was a good 30 minutes away from the actual city so I had decided I would go about planning for the two nights I was staying in the burbs so that I can execute the rest of my week in the city.

Which is exactly what I did.


  • Open mic night
  • Walked to the mall (10 mins away) and the GoodWill
  • Walked to get tacos and horchata
  • Walked to downtown Las Vegas
  • Went to an open mic
  • Walked The Fremont Street Experience
  • Tacos/horchata
  • A mess of an adventure of a night – driving around Vegas and ended in a strip club


  • Walked around the area again
  • Went to another open mic
  • Checked another thrift store
  • Went to a pool party/club (Surrender @ Wynn)
  • Enchiladas/tacos


  • Went to The Richard Steele Boxing Club
  • Used Vegas transit for the first time and bought a 24-hour pass
  • Went to Fashion Show Mall
  • Hung out with some new friends


  • Used Vegas transit again – commuted around the city
  • Tacos El Gordo
  • Went to Fremont Street during the evening to kill time
  • Went to another club (Intrigue)
  • Enchiladas/tacos/horchata


  • Authentic Thai food
  • Hotel party @ Planet Hollywood


  • Strolling the Vegas Strip

I met so many wonderful artists and creatives during the Monday night open mic and my soul was already content. Not even that but just the feedback from the audience and feeling support was just… amazing. I really had no words. But this open mic opened the door for many friendships which carried on throughout my week in Vegas.

By my third day in Vegas, I already felt like I had found my purpose. I felt FULL. I felt personally fulfilled. It wasn’t until I had a conversation after going to the Richard Steele Boxing Gym where I felt this. Well, my events leading up to this day definitely contributed to this feeling for sure. And just meeting people in general and feeling their energy made that difference.

I was thanking the person that brought me to the gym. I thanked Richard Steele himself. I was honestly so grateful. All because I was able to step foot in that gym, watch my new friend box for a bit then I was able to learn a few combos from one of their trainers there. What got me is that their trainer (who was also in the military) saw “it” in me. I told him I started studying Muay Thai and after having shown me a few new moves, he was telling one of his fighters and the other boxing trainer that it’s in my blood. That’s when I felt like I was on the right path – like I was supposed to be doing this.

In my conversation with my new friend, he told me that I have this certain energy about me – it’s genuine. I can pick apart the bullshit and negativity – I can sense that in someone. I nearly cried in his car lol. We just met a couple days prior to this, and if he can sense this about me already? This just shows my personal growth and the type of energy I have been exuding.

And he wasn’t the first person to tell me this either. The many folks I have met throughout my time in Vegas have said the same thing about my energy.

It’s not like I didn’t know this already – people from Toronto have told me this as well.

So why does it matter what they think and feel from me?

This whole entire trip was supposed to be this journey of re-discovery. It was supposed to be the journey of me finding myself again.

However, I don’t think I was ever lost… I let cloudy thoughts take over, storming away what I already knew about myself. I just needed that extra boost of sunshine to clear the path I’m walking on. I needed that extra sunshine to guide me back home. Back to me. Back to who the fuck I proudly am.

My energy is the same, but stronger, after having spent some time alone. I’ve tested my waters by putting myself into new experiences and situations. I’ve tested my waters by trusting individuals that I have just met. I’ve tested my waters by trusting myself and my capabilities.

My self-awareness levels have definitely heightened while in Vegas. Though I surrounded myself with people, I had to fully trust in my senses and solitude. I had to be 10x aware of not only myself but of those around me especially because anything could happen. But let me give myself some credit because I have become more cautious with my energy and more aware of what I should and should not give my time to… Meaning, I can no longer force myself into situations where I do not feel fit.

With all that being said, back to that question.

People that don’t know me, people that are from a completely different city (hell, even a different country) telling me this solidifies what I already know and who I am trying to become. This is just confirming that I am on the right path of who I want to be and who I am already becoming.


Chasing Dopamine

It’s been a week since I landed back home, in Toronto, and I still feel like something is missing… like something is off with my energy.

I’m talking like I don’t know what it is but I know damn well that my head ain’t on straight. I know that my internal clock has adjusted to something far from my grasp (not unattainable, but difficult to attain).

I knew I didn’t want to leave just yet. I bawled the entire shuttle bus ride to LAX. My heart would have been content if I had missed my flight (and I was close to since I mixed up my flight times – silly, high me). But I couldn’t do it for a multitude of reasons…

My plan was poorly executed in a way but my circumstance was simply out of my hands.

Once I landed, I was furious. Happy to have landed safe, yes, but furious in a sense that I KNEW I did not want to be back home. I wasn’t ready because I felt that my journey was not yet complete. Let me rephrase that – my journey in LA was not yet complete. There was so much land I wanted to cover, so much energy I wanted to feel, so much air I wanted to breathe…

But I should have known that I would get caught up in its atmosphere and stray away from the reason why I needed my solitude. It was so easy for me to get lost, so easy for me to get lost in someone other than myself.

Of course, I got distracted in LA but I feel like I needed that to remind me of where I’m supposed to be and where I’m supposed to be going. It was humbling in a sense. For that, I do not regret this decision.

However, I have this dire need to leave again – to go back to LA. Or maybe even go elsewhere. Just, away from home.

As I said in my Instagram post, I’m running towards something greater than myself. I feel like my purpose is beyond my home…

I feel like my home is wherever my heart lies.

And that is why I decided to name my whole experience, “Chasing Dopamine” – happiness also lies everywhere, especially outside of my home. I just have to get up and chase it.