Music

Mila J – La La Land

 

[Intro]
Here we are in Los Angeles
Early part of the weekend
Well, for your Monday we’re gonna keep things dry, sunny and, well, warm

[Chorus]
Miss everything about you when I’m on the road
You the one I come home to after a show
Say I love you even though I know you know
You the only one I’m missing on the road
Straight up, for sho’
You the one I think about the most, when I smoke
Straight up, you know
I can’t let go, let go

[Pre-Chorus]
You the one I come home to after a show
Say I love you even though I know you know
You the only one I know that got that right pack on, got that right pack

[Chorus]
Miss everything about you when I’m on the road
You the one I come home to after a show
Say I love you even though I know you know
You the only one I’m missing on the road

[Verse 1]
You missed the wave last night
Wish you could’ve been here
Had no regrets last night
Still I wish you could’ve been here
‘Cause it’s too hard, too hard now
When you’re so far, so far now
Straight up, you know
Can’t wait to come home, come home

[Pre-Chorus]
You the one I come home to after a show
Say I love you even though I know you know
You the only one I know that got that right pack on, got that right pack

[Chorus]
Miss everything about you when I’m on the road
You the one I come home to after a show
Say I love you even though I know you know
You the only one I’m missing on the road
Straight up, for sho’
You the one I think about the most, when I smoke
Straight up, you know
I can’t let go, let go
Straight up, for sho’
You the one I think about the most, when I smoke
Straight up, you know
I can’t let go, let go

[Pre-Chorus]
You the one I come home to after a show
Say I love you even though I know you know
You the only one I know that got that right pack on, got that right pack

[Chorus]
Miss everything about you when I’m on the road
You the one I come home to after a show
Say I love you even though I know you know
You the only one I’m missing on the road

Straight up, for sho’
You the one I think about the most, when I smoke
Straight up, you know
I can’t let go, let go

Straight up, for sho’
You the one I think about the most, when I smoke
Straight up, you know
I can’t let go, let go

[Outro]
Pulled over to the main interchange in downtown Los Angeles, we advise
All freeways heavily congested
Primarily, the Harbor freeway inbound to the Civic Center
The Hollywood freeway outbound from the Civic Center
The Pasadena freeway heavily conjested outbound
And the San Bernadino freeway

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Music

Destiny’s Child – Girl

 

[Verse 1: Beyoncé]
Take a minute girl, come sit down
And tell us what’s been happening
In your face I can see the pain
Don’t you try to convince us that you’re happy, yeah
We’ve seen this all before
Brothers taking advantage of the passion
Because we’ve come too far for you to feel alone
You don’t let him walk over your heart, I’m telling you

[Hook]
Girl, I can tell you’ve been crying
And you needing somebody to talk to
Girl, I can tell he’s been lying
And pretending that he’s faithful and he loves you
Girl, you don’t have to be hiding
Don’t you be ashamed to say he hurt you
I’m your girl, you’re my girl, we your girls
We want you to know that we love you

[Verse 2: Kelly]
See, what y’all don’t know about him
Is I can’t let him go because he needs me
It ain’t really him, it’s stress from his job
And I ain’t making it easy
I know you see him bugging most of the time
But I know deep inside, he don’t mean it
It gets hard sometimes but I need my man
I don’t think y’all understand, I’m telling ya

[Hook]
Girl, I can tell you’ve been crying
And you needing somebody to talk to
Girl, I can tell he’s been lying
And pretending that he’s faithful and he loves you
Girl, you don’t have to be hiding
Don’t you be ashamed to say he hurt you
I’m your girl, you’re my girl, we your girls
We want you to know that we love you
Girl, I can tell you’ve been crying
And you needing somebody to talk to
Girl, I can tell he’s been lying
And pretending that he’s faithful and he loves you
Girl, you don’t have to be hiding
Don’t you be ashamed to say he hurt you
I’m your girl, you’re my girl, we your girls
We want you to know that we love you

[Bridge: Michelle]
Girl, take a good look at yourself
He got you going through hell
We ain’t never seen ya down like this
What you mean you don’t need us to help?
We know each other too well
Girl, you’re my girl, we your girls
We want you to know that we love you

[Hook]
Girl, I can tell you’ve been crying
And you needing somebody to talk to
Girl, I can tell he’s been lying
And pretending that he’s faithful and he loves you
Girl, you don’t have to be hiding
Don’t you be ashamed to say he hurt you
I’m your girl, you’re my girl, we your girls
We want you to know that we love you
Girl, I can tell you’ve been crying
And you needing somebody to talk to
Girl, I can tell he’s been lying
And pretending that he’s faithful and he loves you
Girl, you don’t have to be hiding
Don’t you be ashamed to say he hurt you
I’m your girl, you’re my girl, we your girls
We want you to know that we love you

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Music

SZA ft. Travi$ Scott – Love Galore

 

 

[Intro: Travis Scott]
I need, I need
I need, I need
I need, I need
I need, I need
I need, I need

[Hook: SZA]
Love, love, love, love
‘long as we got
Love, love, love
‘long as we got

[Verse 1: SZA]
Done with these niggas
I don’t love these niggas
I dust off these niggas
Do it for fun
Don’t take it personal
Personally, I’m surprised you
Called me after the things I said
Skrrt, skrrt on niggas
Skirt up on niggas
Skirt down, you acting like me
Acting like we
Wasn’t more than a summer fling
I said farewell
You took it well
Promise I won’t cry over spilled milk
(Ooh no, I won’t)
Gimme a paper towel
Gimme another valium
Gimme another hour or two
Hour with you

[Pre-Hook: SZA & Travis Scott]
Why you bother me when you know you don’t want me?
Why you bother me when you know you got a woman?
Why you hit me when you know you know better?
Know you know better
Know your crew better than you do
Call me looking for ya (yeah)
I be looking for ya (yeah)
Got me looking forward to weekends
With you baby
With you baby
With you baby
With you

We do whatever we want
Go wherever we want
Love however we want
It don’t matter
You’ll do whatever I want
Get whatever I want
Get whatever I need
It’s about

[Hook: SZA]
Love, love, love, love
‘long as we got
Love, love, love
‘long as we got

[Verse 2: SZA]
Should’ve never gave you my number
I did it with you
Should’ve never let you hit it
I split it with you
I regret it
You gots a fetish
You gots a problem
Now it’s a problem, oh no
Skrrt, skrrt on bitches
I don’t know these bitches
Dig dirt on bitches
Do it for fun
Don’t take it personal baby
I love ’em all lately
Luh-love to my ladies
I dated a few

[Verse 3: Travis Scott]
Why you bother me?
Why you bother me?
Why you bother me?
Last time I checked you were the one that left
Me in a wreck, me in a mess
You all I rep, like my side I rep
That’s that Mo city
That side that you can’t come ’round at night, yeah
You like to get me high
You don’t want no one beside ya
You like when I make fire
You say La Flame can make you fly, yeah (make you fly, yeah)
Let me cum inside ya
Let me plant that seed inside, yeah
Ass and titties, titties
The only thing that stuck with me, with me
Only thing that was real
Only thing I could feel, you feel me? (feel me)
So why you bother me, why you bother me?
Tryna catch a P.O.V (tryna catch a P.O.V, nah)

[Hook: SZA]
Love, love, love, love
‘long as we got
Love, love, love
‘long as we got

[Outro: SZA]
Huooh, I came to your city
Lookin’ for lovin’ n licky
‘Cause you promised to put it down
All up in your city, lookin’ for you oh
Searchin’ for your light, oh
Only thing keeping me from jumpin’ you right now
Right now, love
Only thing keepin’ me by your side
Only thing keepin’ me by your side now

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thoughts

Me vs. Myself vs. I

The victor: my anxiety
The reigning champion: my depression

I would have never thought to see the day where I let my anxiety get to me. I’m stronger than this – I fucking KNOW I am… But here I am, succumbing to the depths of my own [negative] thoughts, allowing myself to be consumed by the backlogs of my memory, being absorbed by the white noise of whatever is going on in my mind.

It’s hard to explain to someone, really. That’s why I don’t talk much. Also because I know the catalyst of my situation and I don’t want to be judged for it. But it’s whatever – it’s always whatever.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I am more than grateful for the individuals in my life that have reached out and uplifted my mindset. I am more than grateful for the individuals in my life that always radiate love into our conversations, joy, happiness, laughter. Words cannot express how thankful I am for the handful that have kept my spirits up.

But I am so exhausted of living like I am full when really, I feel nothing. I’m numb again. My happiness can only last for so long and I cry every time because I’ve missed such a feeling. I’m really tired of this constant up and down of emotions, the continual fluctuation of feeling up and ready versus down and out. But more times I just don’t feel like doing anything.

It has reached the point where I feel the need to be intoxicated to hit the tip of the iceberg that is my so-called happiness. Lol shit makes me sad just thinking about it as I typed it…

You win, anxiety. You beat me again, depression.

I’m off it.

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thoughts

An Open Reflection: Views

If you’re reading this, I still hope that you are doing well… I hope that you no longer find refuge at the bottom of every bottle… I hope that you are taking care of yourself… I hope that you have found the love within yourself that you have been longing for.

It’s the one year anniversary of the release of Views.

Nothing note-worthy to most, but to me this album brought a lot back into my life.

I was in this toxic cycle with this guy for two years. I say toxic because it did a lot of damage to me emotionally and mentally yet I kept going back; I don’t know the repercussions he had to go through but I can imagine they were somewhat similar. (I eventually found out about the things he had to go through, but I’ll get to that later.)

I will start by saying this: we were both young and had no intentions, period.

Yet I managed to fall first and fast, and somewhere along the line he did too. But here is the catch (ironic of me to use this word), we never talked. We never once spent the time to get to know each other – it was only trivial. We traveled distances yet never took that same effort to start a conversation. It was a constant back and forth of days of lust and only hitting the surface levels. I misunderstood our connection for something more and so I craved it because it felt good to me at the time. I thought that because we vibed so well and knew each other without words, it was something deeper. And once upon a time ago, I thought he was my soulmate because he just got it. He simply understood my passions and saw them, too. He played the right music to get into my mind… He knew what to do to get into my soul.

This went on for two years. Yeah, two fucking years. Though I met people in between, I was always looking for him in the men I sought. It was pieces of him, whether it was his knowledge of music, his passion for the music, his humour, his gentleness… I would always search for his name in others’.

I laugh as I write this now because I have learned so much from my experiences with him but what broke me almost entirely is what unfolded last year.

I remember a lot of things, most things – I remember the things that hit me in the heart… Sometimes they haunt me, sometimes they remind me of how much I have grown, sometimes they remind me of what was lost. Nonetheless, a remembrance of a learning experience.

I still remember the day that he finally asked me out so that we can get to know each other better. This conversation was a whole entire 6 hours of him implying I was his dream girl, how I can be his tour manager and how we could fuck up the world together, (me reflecting on this now) him feeding me nonsense… But I remember how happy I was because this was what I was waiting for, for two fucking years. We were to go before he left for vacation before the end of the year.

What crushed me was the fact that it never fucking happened. I even gave him the benefit of the doubt and waited until he came back in the new year. Days turned into weeks until I got fed up. So fed up that I deleted him off of everything. Mind you, during the two years of back and forth and all of the others in between, he was the only one I had kept on my social media – everyone else was deleted, blocked, or simply forgotten.

I wasn’t hurt until one night (months later) I went to a party with my cousins and he was there. I’m smiling as I type this because I remember the night so vividly. His attempts at trying to catch my attention were petty but I noticed them, just paid them no mind.

Then I went back to that same party the next week, this time with just one of my cousins. And yup, he was there. And yup, he came back with full force, this time grabbing my full attention by drunkenly serenading me to Bryson Tiller’s Don’t.

God, that night was a drunken hot mess.

We ended up talking in the back of the venue – him going on to explain EVERYTHING. How sorry he was for putting me through the whole ordeal, how it crushed him when he noticed that I unfollowed/blocked/deleted him off everything… How my action put him in this state… How he should have told me he wasn’t ready… How he suffers from anxiety (at this point I told him I was diagnosed with depression)… How he felt lost… How I didn’t deserve any of this…

Then I let him kiss me. If you got this far, you’re probably screeching HOW COULD YOU?! I didn’t let him just kiss me, though. It was one of those it’s-been-forever-and-I-really-wanted-this type joints. Those I-crave-you type joints. Them I-love-you type joints. Maybe it was love, maybe it was lust. But it was definitely the liquid courage that powered all of this.

And I left with his number in my phone again. (My mistake, right?) (You say, Right.)

And my mistake that definitely was because when I reached home (aka my cousin’s place for the night) after this scene, a lot more happened.

We ended up talking until the sun rose…

We ended up talking about Views because it had dropped that week, and well, he dedicated the album to me. Told me he thinks of me whenever Redemption plays. Said he wants to get to know me to Fire & Desire. Said I was his muse… Said he has so much love for me… Said it’s been me all along…

And of course I gave him another chance (this is where the audience sighs in disappointment). I wanted to see what would happen – what finally could happen.

Fast forward to present day, I can say that you can take a wild guess at where we stand now.

We don’t.

We talked everything out, some more things occurred… And, well, at least we are okay with each other. No bad blood, no animosity between us.

The biggest lesson here is to obviously not wait for no man – EVER. I knew I didn’t deserve to be used for convenience yet I still stayed. Why? I guess it’s because I wanted that partnership no matter how faint it was. I guess it’s because it was all I really knew so I settled for that. I guess it’s because I didn’t act on knowing the true value of who I was as a woman. And it took me two years of this shit for me to accept it and move on, knowing that it was not meant to be. That we were not meant to be.

I knew I didn’t deserve it at all. I knew he didn’t deserve what I had to bring to the table. I knew I deserved to be treated better. I knew that there was more for me out there. But I settled for the thrill, the temporary high, the almost enough.

Almost is never enough.

And the day that I finally let go of our possibilities was the day that I felt freed.

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Poetry

spiteful

Look what you’ve done

Created space to breathe
but space between two bodies
allows for someone else to intrude
to take my place
to take my name

Tales of this phenomenon have the same ending:
it does not exist.

All this space and time
to reconsider everything
to re-evaluate your options
as if alternatives never persisted
as if alternatives never existed, period

Yet you still longed for the room
to move as one with the distance
it can only grow further from here
I can feel us slipping
but maybe I’m wrong
maybe it makes us stronger,
apart

The confidence of having no second thoughts
you cut ties without hesitation,
pushed me to the point of non-existence
as if co-existing meant nothing to you,
left me hanging on my only lifeline

All this space and time
breathing the same oxygen as my anxiety
worries like carbon dioxide
my atmosphere is always clouded
deep breaths no longer help me

I breathe in the pressure
and they say that creates diamonds
but this builds to the point of the heaviest of rainfalls
and ashes,
soul resting in pieces
they blow away in the wind

You didn’t have to lie

I don’t think you comprehend
the repercussion of your sugar-coated words
never taste as sweet as they sound
sugar scarring my insides
stomach shredding at the process
that wasn’t the only thing you left broken

You should be sorry

Asking me where I was when you needed me years ago
implies you didn’t need me now
or when you wanted to level up the ranks

This was never a game in the first place

But the level before the last was a true test of your bravery
yet the heart of a lioness was too much to face
sheepishly turning away from your chance at being the first victor

Are you satisfied with yourself for making it this far?

You were the only one to have fought this hard for this long
then let go
and give up

Are you still satisfied?

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