thoughts

missing

Do you see how much power she holds in just the spaces?
She leaves them open
for you


Do you see how much force weighs in the just bones of her fingers?
How much strength she holds back because she knows what she is truly capable of?

 

I haven’t been myself lately and it’s evident. I was merely living in between the lines and not outside of the box I love to shield myself in.

But I have found my peace. Or so, I thought.

She no longer lives here. Serenity only filled the oxygen I was breathing for one fucking day. Now I feel sick and full of pollution.

I didn’t know how quickly my heart could be filled with such burning anger and hatred… It’s scary how it terrorized the love I struggled to but successfully build.

She doesn’t live here anymore.

And I’m scared.

My space has never been filled with such blistering negativity. If it had in the past, I made sure to rid of it before it encapsulates my entire being but I’m afraid it is too late.

My chest now rests in the pit of my stomach and I no longer have an appetite for anything.

I was told by many that my glow and happiness have inspired them to start/strengthen/continue their journey of self-discovery and self-love. I was told that my glow was so bright and beautiful…

To my friends reading this, to my friends that still care about me, to my friends that still love me despite this [temporary] storm, to those who looked up to me, to those who came to me for love and light and wisdom, to those who came to me for solace, to those that saw me as a “Queen”, to my cousins, to my sister…

I am sorry for disappointing you.

I’m never one to drag others down with me, so I ask that you respect my space. I won’t be here but I’ll still be around.

I know I’m going to look back at this post a few/several months from now and cringe at how I allowed this to happen to myself [again]. But I also know that I’m going to look back and be proud of how much I have grown from this bludgeoning moment and how much more I have loved myself.

But for now, I’ll keep fighting this losing battle.


I miss her. If anyone sees her, tell her that home is waiting for her return.

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thoughts

Me vs. Myself vs. I

The victor: my anxiety
The reigning champion: my depression

I would have never thought to see the day where I let my anxiety get to me. I’m stronger than this – I fucking KNOW I am… But here I am, succumbing to the depths of my own [negative] thoughts, allowing myself to be consumed by the backlogs of my memory, being absorbed by the white noise of whatever is going on in my mind.

It’s hard to explain to someone, really. That’s why I don’t talk much. Also because I know the catalyst of my situation and I don’t want to be judged for it. But it’s whatever – it’s always whatever.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I am more than grateful for the individuals in my life that have reached out and uplifted my mindset. I am more than grateful for the individuals in my life that always radiate love into our conversations, joy, happiness, laughter. Words cannot express how thankful I am for the handful that have kept my spirits up.

But I am so exhausted of living like I am full when really, I feel nothing. I’m numb again. My happiness can only last for so long and I cry every time because I’ve missed such a feeling. I’m really tired of this constant up and down of emotions, the continual fluctuation of feeling up and ready versus down and out. But more times I just don’t feel like doing anything.

It has reached the point where I feel the need to be intoxicated to hit the tip of the iceberg that is my so-called happiness. Lol shit makes me sad just thinking about it as I typed it…

You win, anxiety. You beat me again, depression.

I’m off it.

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Poetry

spiteful

Look what you’ve done

Created space to breathe
but space between two bodies
allows for someone else to intrude
to take my place
to take my name

Tales of this phenomenon have the same ending:
it does not exist.

All this space and time
to reconsider everything
to re-evaluate your options
as if alternatives never persisted
as if alternatives never existed, period

Yet you still longed for the room
to move as one with the distance
it can only grow further from here
I can feel us slipping
but maybe I’m wrong
maybe it makes us stronger,
apart

The confidence of having no second thoughts
you cut ties without hesitation,
pushed me to the point of non-existence
as if co-existing meant nothing to you,
left me hanging on my only lifeline

All this space and time
breathing the same oxygen as my anxiety
worries like carbon dioxide
my atmosphere is always clouded
deep breaths no longer help me

I breathe in the pressure
and they say that creates diamonds
but this builds to the point of the heaviest of rainfalls
and ashes,
soul resting in pieces
they blow away in the wind

You didn’t have to lie

I don’t think you comprehend
the repercussion of your sugar-coated words
never taste as sweet as they sound
sugar scarring my insides
stomach shredding at the process
that wasn’t the only thing you left broken

You should be sorry

Asking me where I was when you needed me years ago
implies you didn’t need me now
or when you wanted to level up the ranks

This was never a game in the first place

But the level before the last was a true test of your bravery
yet the heart of a lioness was too much to face
sheepishly turning away from your chance at being the first victor

Are you satisfied with yourself for making it this far?

You were the only one to have fought this hard for this long
then let go
and give up

Are you still satisfied?

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