mother nature

Moving in synchronicity with my mothers past
I feel at one with the way the world revolves

The speed at which water paces
forcing its presence into new homes
into places it does not belong

But I am here

As existent as the winds during a storm
there is no telling where I will land but

I am here

As vicious as a raging fire
once born a meek flame
I make it known that I am here
yet you manage to walk over me
and I am still here
absorbing your very steps
all while guiding you to your next destination
where I will be




It’s been three months since my last blog post. I have chosen not to write as I am not in the same place as I was before. I needed the time to myself to get things off my chest – I needed to clear my mind, and most importantly, I needed to clear my heart.

I did most of that all while deconstructing myself (once again) to get to the root of my bittersweet feelings. The wait was intentional because I wanted my heart to be back where my pen was. However, no matter the number of times I tried to get back to it, the feeling was no longer there, or the words didn’t flow as easily as they used to. Excuse or not, I took one of the longest hiatuses from my pen game which is why I’m not able to produce as well as I used to. I’ve turned to other means to release any feelings of discomfort and negativity which could be another reason as to why I haven’t been back at the pen. My pen seems to be missing my heart but I will keep [my attempts at] writing until they meet again.

In getting to know myself and feel myself grow, I have prioritized doing everything else instead of allowing myself to feel through whatever I am going through. I am not sure if I have grown into this or if this is just another one of my coping mechanisms but I feel like I have become wiser with my emotions (if that makes sense) and more realistic with how I feel as an emotional being.

Control is something that I have lost before my hiatus and I took the time to train myself into gaining more control over my emotions and mental space. I took the time to really hone my feelings so that I  won’t lose my shit again, but even more so that I won’t lose myself again.

Getting back into the other hobbies I like doing has also helped to restore some kind of balance in my life that I have been missing for a while. It was almost as if it was a reminder that there is not one formula to reach self love. Though I spend my time delving into other side projects, I’ve also been dedicating a lot of my time to my job. (Who doesn’t need money in this economy?)

I’ve become more focused on my larger goals and dreams that I pushed all else aside so that I can work within a tunnel vision. As great as that sounds, having tunnel vision made me miss the importance of things outside of the view, such as my health, my friends, family, etc.

Not even gonna lie, my mind is all over the place because I have yet to start this paper, but I made a promise to myself to start writing again because I’ve lost touch with something that I’m actually good at.

And after spending time reading through my old poems and watching old performances, I can already feel the disappointment from the writer side of me.


edit: the de(a/p)th of us

We hold onto unfamiliarity
clutching onto its very existence
I wonder if you feel it too
the heartbeat of the unnamed
the breath of something that is very much so alive
for the moment

I realize I have never reached this depth
a surface I had always wandered but never cracked
chipped but never broken
I only knew the surface level
an intimacy only skin deep, I longed for the profound
wondered but never explored
I wanted to get to the core

Scratches on the surface are a collection of failed attempts
patterns turned my pain into a masterpiece
memories fragmented of a rotten past
nightmares persist within the same frame
an endless rerun of a shadow leaving
I never remember the shape
but I know they always leave

But continual efforts of a deeper expedition render me confused
we reach an untouched fraction of the same surface
I am on foreign grounds
I have never been here before
yet flashbacks of shadows pry into my mind
a paranoia of you soon disappearing
questioning if your intent was to leave
questioning if your intent was temporary
questioning your intent, period
I’m sorry

Our grip on the unknown tightens
holding onto a sense of knowing it was never there in the first place
we never intended on the descent
yet we lay six feet below the ravaged surface
deeper than the skin we lay in, we’ve left that behind
the complexity of being bare
maybe we should have left that too
but I sink deeper, my doubts multiply
though I can still see the light pierce through the now peephole
I can still feel the warmth

I grew fond of an embrace that loosened over time
a habit that turned into desires
I can only feel my hands now
they clasp onto the mystery of something we knew was once there
irrational thoughts flood my attention

I can never seem to focus on the fact that you’re still here
an apparition manifested into reality
yet I still look for your shadow
even when you’re standing right in front of me
I still look for your shadow because
I don’t feel your presence anymore
even when you’re standing right in front of me
I still look for your shadow because
I can feel you leaving with the sun

The ambiguity of falling to the depths of the unknown
my hesitations tend to win sometimes
I never mean to scratch you with the surface
unnecessary battle wounds render you fatigued
you still stand in front of me, chest high
you still stand in front of me, soul low
you still stand in front of me

Why are you still standing in front of me?

My hesitations tend to win sometimes
I question your ubiquitous ability
an exhausted you prevails, rupturing the surface that I spent years of scratching
you are now everywhere and nowhere
another place for you to stand
yet you still stand in front of me, tattered
you still stand in front of me

Why are you still standing in front of me?
Holding on like my body never took the space or time
I am everywhere and nowhere
like fog
I am everywhere and nowhere
in your arms

But I still feel your heartbeat
I still feel your breath

and I will still hold on



Out of the convenience of my laptop being kinda broken (my screen is messed but it still works ok lol) and my laptop charger completely breaking on me, I was forced to move to a computer lab somewhere on campus.

Sitting here, just breathing, in my somber state of mind, no big deal.

I’m still breathing and I notice something familiar. Automatically, I get mad uncomfortable because the guy sitting beside me smells like you. I’m breathing in this air and all I think about were the times I’d breathe you in whenever you hugged me – even if it was for a brief moment, I’d breathe you in when I’d rest my head on your shoulder, I’d breathe you in whenever you were around me.

I can’t move in this space without feeling like you’re here with me. Like you’re the guy sitting beside me and instead of staring at the screen, you’d be occasionally staring at me for whatever reason and I know that you would be ’cause I can feel your gaze. I would catch you and give you a look that yells Fuck you looking at me for, but I love it. I crave it. I miss it.

But he’s not you right now and he continues to be consumed in his work while I’m consuming this scent that reminds me of you.


The things only you would understand

  • Good morning
  • Apples have become onions – I can’t stop crying when I slice them…
  • I feel like Pablo but who is Pablo without Tata?
  • I don’t know if I can continue watching Narcos…….
  • I walk on the inside of the sidewalk
  • I check my phone before walking into the subway station, ready to send that station text
  • I check my phone the second I ascend from the escalator, ready to send that station text
  • Who am I supposed to text saying I got home safely?
  • What about when I almost miss my bus stop?
  • Safe, civilized suburban streets
  • I want to get 6+ hours of sleep (7-8 is the goal)
  • Smoking isn’t the same no more
  • Smile
  • It’s hard to listen to vibes when you’re not around
  • Hands clasped, thumbs pressing
  • Dramatics
  • Party Animal
  • We Can
  • Pine & Ginger
  • It’s a not o
  • Brownin
  • Waste yute
  • I’m wearing earrings again
  • Who’s supposed to be my dance partner?
  • Who am I going to read my articles to before I send them to my editor?
  • I’m slowly retiring from concerts…
  • Who the fuck am I supposed to send all these memes to?!
  • Bitmoji lovers lol
  • I started praying again.. Not every day but often
  • I prayed for you
  • I’m considering going to church again
  • You were my first prayer in almost four years
  • I can never DNA you
  • I will never DNA you
  • I said it because I meant it, because I am grateful for all that you’ve done
  • I don’t know where you were years ago, but I was lost… You wouldn’t have wanted her
  • Nobody will deter my dreams
  • Writing is therapeutic but you’ve become my muse
  • “What’s wrong?” *confesses my stresses after the third ask* lol
  • I thank God
  • Sleep well
  • Good night

Love is just a word

unless you show it

Right person, wrong timing
we were still with it

Rode the waves with bliss
waiting to touch the shore
hit or miss

We were a hit
the top 2 singles
we were still a track on our own

Til the train railed off
missed the stop
missing home

A place I used to call you
I felt it in my mind
in my heart

Waves slowly caressed the shore
now we’re walking on land