Music

Stormzy ft. Kehlani – Cigarettes & Cush

[Pre-Chorus: Lily Allen & Stormzy]
I’m sorry that I’m late
And I missed your call
But you know night turn into day
I didn’t stop to pause
I know I never see your face
And baby, that’s my fault
But I’ma fix all my mistakes
So don’t stress no more

[Chorus: Lily Allen & Stormzy]
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush (alright)
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush (alright)
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush (alright)
You don’t ever let me down

[Verse 1: Stormzy]
You don’t ever let me down
Got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
All those other girls just look
They ain’t never takin’ your crown
And, girl I know it gets on your nerves sometimes
When I don’t answer my phone
And yeah I double back on my words at times
But please don’t start with that tone, ’cause girl
I love you, you know, but I can’t be there
But when I get home, just roll my weed, yeah
What’s mine is yours, give you space to breathe here
Just weed and cush, that’s a major key here
Yeah, then you play me a song
Smokin’ smoke ’til we’re wavy and gone
Come home from a long hard day with the dons
Like where’s my baby? I’m sorry it’s been long

[Pre-Chorus: Lily Allen & Stormzy]
I’m sorry that I’m late
And I missed your call
But you know night turn into day
I didn’t stop to pause
I know I never see your face
And baby, that’s my fault
But I’ma fix all my mistakes
So don’t stress no more

[Chorus: Lily Allen & Stormzy]
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down

[Verse 2: Kehlani]
As much as you think you’re alone in the way that you feel
I come home every day when it rain but it’s real
Between us, ground so far beneath us, sometimes I can’t read ya
But it don’t mean I won’t treat ya to a blunt full of that reefer
We may get in fights but I could never see me leavin’
Somethin’ ’bout how close the high can bring us, sober just don’t please us
If you’re wondering, yeah, I’m still here because I see us
But Mary makes it easy to talk to you
Aww, yeah, ’cause sometimes I just can’t spill my thoughts to you (I took you in every day)
At the end of every day I belong to you (Belong to you)
I’ll still pass the bong to you
I’ll write a song to you
I’ll do no wrong to you

[Pre-Chorus: Lily Allen, Stormzy & Kehlani]
I’m sorry that I’m late
And I missed your call
But you know night turn into day
I didn’t stop to pause
I know I never see your face
And baby, that’s my fault
But I’ma fix all my mistakes
So don’t stress no more

[Chorus: Lily Allen, Stormzy & Kehlani]
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
You got those cigarettes and cush
You don’t ever let me down
I promise

[Bridge: Stormzy & Kehlani]
You don’t ever let me down
I won’t ever let you down
‘Cause you don’t ever let me down
I won’t ever let you down
‘Cause you don’t ever let me down
I can’t ever let you down, down, down
Down, down, down, down

[Verse 3: Stormzy]
It’s been like a month now
Since you left my side
Got me smokin’ a blunt now
But there ain’t no vibe
‘Cause I fucked up badly
All I did was push
And there’s no more weed
No more cush
And I’m deep in the south side
And I can’t find love
I was lookin’ for my brown skin
Tryna find that buzz
Now what have you done, Stormz?
Now what have you caused?
And we weren’t just bredrens
We were so much more
Girl you was my hero
The beat to my heart
And them tears on your face
Man they tear me apart
Man I just wanna fix you
Fix what I broke
No cuddles on the sofa
No more smoke
And I pray God saves you
Man I pray all night
I just wanna say thank you
‘Cause you saved my life
But I cut you deep
And I know how it looks
Now there’s no more weed
No more cush
No more cush

[Outro]
No more cush, yeah
Now there’s no more cush
No more cush

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thoughts

Watchroom

I stood in front of the washroom mirror and watched myself cry for five minutes.

I saw my cheeks turn rosy, and my already pink eyes (from hurting all day) turn bloodshot. I was a mess. My breathing pattern was uneven as I tried to catch as much oxygen as I could in between my sobs. I watched myself be so vulnerable for five minutes. And it would have been longer if someone hadn’t walked in as I was catching my breath. I held it. I held the sounds I made, I held my breath but I let the tears fall.

So this is what I look like when I’m uncontrollably crying, I thought to myself.

Then I thought, I hate my ability to turn my pain into an everlasting masterpiece.

Because I do.

Yet I tell myself I won’t let it [my pain] deter me from further producing… And I’m sitting here. I’m just fucking sitting here with all of these feelings.

Do you know how badly I wanted to punch the mirror? How badly I wanted to get rid of this image of myself?

Obviously within the few minutes that this person was in the washroom with me, I scrambled out of there. But at the moment I was fascinated with the depth at which the pain was hitting my body.. I have a headache – been had a headache, my eyes are heavy, my chest is heavy… I feel like a blob.

I stared at myself one last time before running out of there. I just watched my eyes… I watched my eyes one last time and thought, This is what hurt looks like.

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Music

Stormzy – Velvet / Jenny Francis (Interlude)

 

[Verse 1: Stormzy]
Yeah, alright, yeah
Yo, you just wanna know what it feels like
You don’t know what you want but it feels right
And you ain’t even my girl but we still tight
All your man took you ‘dam, aw sick that’s nang
Let me put you on a real flight
Yeah, welcome to the trill life
That views in the shard then I go and book a car
Then we go and get a meal life
You’re tryna look into my soul and see the real Mike
I got a long term plan, I’m a long term man
I’m just tryna’ get the deal right
But my issue is pride
If I ever told you I missed you, I lied
Screaming at my phone like “I wish you would try”
Poison love, I kiss you I die
You get mad, get pissed and you cry
Then you making one wish and send a kiss to the sky
I can’t lie man, I wish you were mine
But the truth is I ain’t got the tissue or time

[Pre-Hook]
I can show you my dirty little secrets
Promise me you’re always gonna keep it, girl
Tell me that you love me, you’re the sweetest
I didn’t want to love you but I beat it girl
I grow fonder, girl I grow fonder
I grow fonder, girl I grow fonder

[Hook: NAO]
A touch of the wind and it’s gone
I wish I could help it
Into my window of calm
Want only to take the flame
To the bridge of dawn
It feels just like velvet
A touch of the wind and it’s gone
Ooo then it’s gone

[Verse 2: Stormzy]
So how would you feel if a brother stayed around?
Taking care of you and not the other way around
Fell too deep, now we’re both 6 feet
Baby I can barely breathe, could you suffocate me now?
I don’t wanna sell a dream you can’t afford
I can take you round the city when you’re bored
Maybe when you finish your degree, we’ll go abroad
Your ex man never gave you nothing, he’s a fraud
Can you tell me what it feels like?
Tell me what it feels like
Welcome to the sweet life
Baby, welcome to the sweet life
Look, hanging up the phone on me, girl you’re too bright
You got a hold on me, girl you’re too tight
We can go from Paris to Rome in two nights
If I’m gonna do it then I gotta do it right, alright
I will never ever lead you astray (aye)
That’s all I never needed to say (aye)
The boys wanna tease at my faith (aye)
That’s just another reason to pray (aye)
And if you ever needed me to stay (aye)
I’ll always be a phone call away (aye)
Breathtaking, I’ll blow you away
Girl just face it, I know how you stay
If I tell you my every little interest
Thinking of you every time I rinse this, girl
But loving you is easier, the simplest
Running through the world you’re my princess girl
I grow fonder, girl I grow fonder
I grow fonder, girl I grow fonder

[Hook: NAO]
A touch of the wind and it’s gone
I wish I could help it
Into my window of calm
Want only to take the flame
To the bridge of dawn
It feels just like velvet
A touch of the wind and it’s gone
Ooo then it’s gone

[Verse 3: Stormzy]
Yeah, alright, alright, alright, alright
Okay, okay, okay, okay
Man thought that Stormzy couldn’t sing, haha
Yo, it feels just like velvet
A touch of the wind and it’s gone
I wish I could help it
Into my window of calm
Want only to take the flame
To the bridge of dawn
It feels just like velvet
A touch of the wind and it’s gone
Ooo then it’s gone, then it’s gone
Then it’s gone, ooo then it’s gone
A touch of the wind and it’s gone
Ooo then it’s gone

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Poetry

the de(p/a)th of us

We hold onto unfamiliarity
clutching onto its very existence
I wonder if you feel it too
the heartbeat of the unnamed
the breath of something that is very much so alive
for the moment

I realize I have never reached this depth
a surface I had always wandered but never cracked
chipped but never broken
I only knew the surface level
an intimacy only skin deep, I longed for the profound
wondered but never explored
I wanted to get to the core

Scratches on the surface are a collection of failed attempts
patterns turned my pain into a masterpiece
memories fragmented of a rotten past
nightmares persist within the same frame
an endless rerun of a shadow leaving
I never remember the shape
but I know they always leave

Continual efforts in trying to stay cause confusion
I have never been here before
what is this supposed to mean?
flashbacks of shadows pry into my mind
a paranoia of you soon disappearing
questioning if your intent was to leave
questioning if your intent was temporary
questioning your intent, period
I’m sorry

Our grip on the unknown tightens
holding onto a sense of knowing it was never there in the first place
we never intended on the descent
yet we lay six feet below the ravaged surface
deeper than the skin we lay in, we’ve left that behind
the complexity of being bare
maybe we should have left that too
but I sink deeper, my doubts multiply
though I can still see the light pierce through the now peephole
I can still feel the warmth

I grew fond of an embrace that loosened over time
a habit that turned into desires
I can only feel my hands
they clasp onto the mystery of something we knew was once there
irrational thoughts flood my attention

I can never seem to focus on the fact that you’re still here
an apparition manifested into reality
yet I still look for your shadow
even when you’re standing right in front of me
I don’t feel your presence anymore
even when you’re standing right in front of me
I can feel you leaving with the sun

The ambiguity of falling to the depths of the unknown
my hesitations tend to win sometimes
I never mean to scratch you with the surface
unnecessary battle wounds render you fatigued
you still stand in front of me, chest high
you still stand in front of me, soul low
you still stand in front of me

Why are you still standing in front of me?

My hesitations tend to win sometimes
I question your ubiquitous ability
an exhausted you prevails, rupturing the surface that I spent years of scratching
you are now everywhere and nowhere
another place for you to stand
yet you still stand in front of me, tattered

But I still feel the pulse
I still feel the breath of air

and I will still hold on

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Poetry

warm waters (12/15/2016)

You are the calm before the storm that never happened

I was always treading lightly in cold waters
My body became adept to the numbness
A feeling I adapted to
An almost forever after

A swimming chameleon treading harder
wavelengths rippling in different patterns
frame translucent transcending into fluidity
the waves drifting her away to where nothing mattered

As long as the water is warm, I’ll feel safe again.

Spinning cycles into the direction of wavelengths,
its patterns transformed into a full design
I finally learned to make use of my wasted time, and
created my beautiful dark twisted disaster

But after the storm is the inevitable calm
an ambience once perceived and lost
I flowed into unfamiliar territory
I accepted the challenge

I felt the Sun’s rays in the spaces I wanted to explore
I craved the adventure, hesitantly
Taking my first steps,
doubting whether or not I wanted more

I called to mind all of the times where I labeled this substantive
A “Once upon a time” ago
A pleasant fate I never attempted to believe in
I lived loving freely and dangerously
distributing elements I unconsciously held
until I became emptier than what I used to be

Then the water settled around me, pouring into the cracks of my skin
Filling in the voids I coldly ignored
Temperatures fluctuate: a slow rise, then fall back to the beginning
I am stuck in a different cycle
This sequence more than comforting
I sense more of myself than I had ever been

I felt a body of water
I felt a body
I felt a
gradual warmth of the current igniting a sensation through my veins
I was lost in the arteries as my blood turned iron into steel

The Moon protected my serenity though her waves crashed onto me
I was ready to drown but only if the waters allowed
Nonetheless, my soul is eternally afloat

Warm tides brushing my body, an attempted reminder of this being my reality
The absorption of warmth grew to be a radiating part of me
Something tangible I can never let go of, the waters waving inside of me
I can already hear the whispers of the shore, a steady welcoming

Remnants of the ability to swim flood my memory
Soon regaining the strength to move, once again I move reluctantly,
but surely, the waters will carry me to familiarity
A place that once felt like home

 

 

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Poetry, thoughts

Yeah, I Said It: An Open Reflection

A word that never belonged to my mother tongue
though I know we all originated from melanin
I was not born with it
I am yellow.
The word was never ours to use

But yeah, I said it.

A younger me obliviously using a word that meant all the harm
my intent was to do no harm
I never saw the damage in trying to fit into a black box that was never made for me
almost everyone said it, so I said it

And I continued to say it.

A crowd that never corrected my ways
we didn’t know any better
a normalcy of behaviours I emulated
I didn’t know any better

But yeah, I said it.

I can no longer run from my insensitivity
nightmares of uninformed patterns run through my mind
a fear of it all running back to me
a constant reminder of an erasure that is impossible
I stay restless

Because I used to say it.

I want to be at peace with my past
the her from those years is not who I am now
an open reflection, an open apology
so forgive me, or forgive me not
I see the hurt I have caused
the damage is done

Because I used to say it.

 

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