Poetry

drive out

She is long gone from these ends
but I remember what she used to taste like
The way her hair flowed as she moved with the wind,
How her eyes lit up in the darkest of nights
you can feel her love when she walked in the room

Now I just feel her footsteps
the beat of each step fit a pattern that deafened me
each step filled with hunger
because she was always empty
her steps meant for something more
for something bigger than herself
her footsteps much bigger than herself
yet she was never going anywhere
just lost in the pattern continuously leading her to
familiarity

the song that never ends
the constant boom-tick of the drumline
beating against the record scratch
the needle stuck in the grooves
but you can find her if you read between the lines
or so she says
or so she says

or so she says

Follow me

I promise this is a new pattern

the trail that ever ends
and she continues to walk the line
unknowingly striding into darkness
hoping to one day chase the light she once saw in her eyes
but there is no looking back

her gaze [only] focused on the end
wherever that may take her.

I still remember what she used to taste like
the way her hair flowed when she moved with the wind
how her eyes shone in broad daylight
but the love is gone from her footsteps

She is long gone from these ends

 

 

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thoughts

#BellLetsTalk

about silence.

About why I’ve been silent for all of these months.


Let’s talk about the absence of my love and presence of hatred. Because I’ve not only forgotten but chosen to forget what it was like to feel love. This absence of love has destructed my ability to feel love and feel empathy, compassion, sympathy. Though I had been feeling this non-feeling, I was completely aware of it. I never gave myself the time or space to truly feel all that has happened to me, even though I reflect on these events everyday. Even though I was and am completely aware of the fact that I still held on to hate.

And it was only one week ago where I had stood in my room and cried for ten minutes. That was when I felt it. In that short period of time, I felt the hatred dissolve and I felt one step closer to the love I used to hold for not myself but for those around me. There was still something missing, though. I knew what it was but it was entirely my fault as to why I was where I was… My fault as to why I am where I am – mentally and emotionally.

It’s been a lonely, dark road that I built for myself. I was tired. I needed to stray away to figure out what was going on inside of me. But in doing so, I became too comfortable with my solitude. I became too comfortable with my independence. I feel like I’ve built this road while destroying my path in the process. There was no intention behind this, behind the construction of this path off-road, away from the people I love.

I’m still here, but I haven’t looked back… and because of that I feel like I’ve lost so many people that I love. I feel truly alone and I have nobody to blame but myself for this.


My loneliness is a cause of my actions and I so desperately try to look back, to reach back, but I feel as if it’s too late.

Because it is.


Though I feel like I have emotionally grown from this past year alone, I think that I often blur the lines between numbness and being emotionally aware of myself and how I feel – in other words, I stop myself from feeling.

I preach the book of self love and loving yourself wherever I go, however, I never speak these words to myself. I feel like I have conditioned myself to (as my friend puts it) react differently. As opposed to feeling things so deeply and allowing myself to do so, I don’t. Instead, I fill up my schedule so that I will continue to keep my mind off of what my actual problem is. This has become my way of “coping”. I know it’s counterproductive. I know it continues to push me further away from the people I love… I know this… So why does it not register to me that I need love again? That I need to allow myself to love the rough parts without forcing them to be smooth so soon? Is it because I have conditioned myself for so long?


I’m sitting at my desk in my office as I type all of these words and I wonder when it will hit me. When my old heart will make its appearance. But do I really want to allow that side of me again? I’ve learned to love and I’ve learned to let it in but I’ve also learned to be choosy. To be picky. To not exert my love to things that don’t water me…

Maybe I have grown and realized that I cannot be fully logical without compassion, without love.

I sit and I wait and it hits me but I let it fall.

I sit and I wait and it hits me but I let it fall.


There are moments where I do catch the signs but don’t apply them to me. I just store them and I now carry a collection of inspiration but it hasn’t spoken to me yet. Perhaps the words don’t fully mean something to me yet.


How much more can someone wait until they fall into complete isolation?


How much more can someone do until they realize their actions do not fulfill their void feelings?


I miss having a best friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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missing

Do you see how much power she holds in just the spaces?
She leaves them open
for you


Do you see how much force weighs in the just bones of her fingers?
How much strength she holds back because she knows what she is truly capable of?

 

I haven’t been myself lately and it’s evident. I was merely living in between the lines and not outside of the box I love to shield myself in.

But I have found my peace. Or so, I thought.

She no longer lives here. Serenity only filled the oxygen I was breathing for one fucking day. Now I feel sick and full of pollution.

I didn’t know how quickly my heart could be filled with such burning anger and hatred… It’s scary how it terrorized the love I struggled to but successfully build.

She doesn’t live here anymore.

And I’m scared.

My space has never been filled with such blistering negativity. If it had in the past, I made sure to rid of it before it encapsulates my entire being but I’m afraid it is too late.

My chest now rests in the pit of my stomach and I no longer have an appetite for anything.

I was told by many that my glow and happiness have inspired them to start/strengthen/continue their journey of self-discovery and self-love. I was told that my glow was so bright and beautiful…

To my friends reading this, to my friends that still care about me, to my friends that still love me despite this [temporary] storm, to those who looked up to me, to those who came to me for love and light and wisdom, to those who came to me for solace, to those that saw me as a “Queen”, to my cousins, to my sister…

I am sorry for disappointing you.

I’m never one to drag others down with me, so I ask that you respect my space. I won’t be here but I’ll still be around.

I know I’m going to look back at this post a few/several months from now and cringe at how I allowed this to happen to myself [again]. But I also know that I’m going to look back and be proud of how much I have grown from this bludgeoning moment and how much more I have loved myself.

But for now, I’ll keep fighting this losing battle.


I miss her. If anyone sees her, tell her that home is waiting for her return.

DSC06679

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If You’re Reading This

I’m already on my plane and I’ll be on my way.

I’ve said my goodbyes although I know I’m coming back. But, this one-way ticket is my only salvation right now.

These past few months have been excruciatingly tough for me, mentally. I forgot who the fuck I was – who the fuck I am. It was a constant battle of me reminding myself of my worth versus questioning why I was not worth the risk. I questioned why I wasn’t worth it, period.

I was at my all time low, floating at the bottom of whatever feeling this was, with no power to push myself to swim. I was exhausted… I grew so exhausted of my surroundings and of myself that I forgot what it was like to be happy.

But I was trying so hard to swim. I wrote a book and am now pushing it forward, I write for a music blog, I’ve worked endless hours, shit I even started taking Muay Thai classes to channel my anger and frustrations. I have also kept myself occupied with so many others things that I am doing for (and by) myself but I am only capable of holding this act together for so much longer. I felt so empty after having accomplished so much in so little time but I also felt dead towards every accomplishment.

I am burnt out.
I have been burnt out.

At the peak of this, I had messaged my friends in America and straight up said, “I’m coming to you. I’m going through another depressive episode.” That’s when I told myself, Fuck it. I am leaving.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted out. I knew there were more ways out than to completely be gone. That’s when I decided that I was going to leave for a little while. I couldn’t breathe. It was so hard for me to breathe the air here. I needed a break and I needed to breathe.

I planned everything accordingly and to the T… Which is why I haven’t been active on my blog. I was mentally and emotionally preparing myself for this trip. I was preparing for the head space that I have been longing for.

I was preparing to chase back the dopamine.

Though these past few months have been difficult, May has proven to me that the love I lost came back to me through other means. It was a slow climb – I’m still climbing – but I know I’ll get back up again.

I need this right now. I need this for my mental health. I need this for my heart. I need this for my soul.

I’ll be gone for a little bit, but I’ll always be with my loved ones. These waves never die.

I know who I am. It’s not like I never did. My self-awareness has grown during the time that I was down. This trip is only going to further solidify who I am as a person. As a woman.

If you fail to see who I am by the time I come back, shit, if you fail to see who I am RIGHT NOW… That is the truest tragedy. Not my depression. Not my anxiety.

But your inability to see the light.

I’ll be back soon,

I promise.

 

 

 

 

 

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Me vs. Myself vs. I

The victor: my anxiety
The reigning champion: my depression

I would have never thought to see the day where I let my anxiety get to me. I’m stronger than this – I fucking KNOW I am… But here I am, succumbing to the depths of my own [negative] thoughts, allowing myself to be consumed by the backlogs of my memory, being absorbed by the white noise of whatever is going on in my mind.

It’s hard to explain to someone, really. That’s why I don’t talk much. Also because I know the catalyst of my situation and I don’t want to be judged for it. But it’s whatever – it’s always whatever.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I am more than grateful for the individuals in my life that have reached out and uplifted my mindset. I am more than grateful for the individuals in my life that always radiate love into our conversations, joy, happiness, laughter. Words cannot express how thankful I am for the handful that have kept my spirits up.

But I am so exhausted of living like I am full when really, I feel nothing. I’m numb again. My happiness can only last for so long and I cry every time because I’ve missed such a feeling. I’m really tired of this constant up and down of emotions, the continual fluctuation of feeling up and ready versus down and out. But more times I just don’t feel like doing anything.

It has reached the point where I feel the need to be intoxicated to hit the tip of the iceberg that is my so-called happiness. Lol shit makes me sad just thinking about it as I typed it…

You win, anxiety. You beat me again, depression.

I’m off it.

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Iso

My favourite play in the book
but I stand frozen
unable to take the shot…


 

This is what I like to do when I go through some shit: isolate.

I isolate myself from everyone because I don’t want to burden them with my problems. I don’t want to burden them with my negativity. Nobody wants to deal with another’s problems. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, so why add onto their plate?

They’re my friends, they’re there for me, supporting me. I get it.

But I’d rather deal(suffer) on my own… I know they’re tired of hearing the same fucking story. Shit, I’m even tired of telling it because I hear the same responses repeatedly.

You’re one of the strongest people I know
You’ll get through this
You’ve been through this before, don’t worry
You’ll be fine
It gets better

Shit like that. It’s endearing but quite frankly I’m tired of it. I feel like I have to be strong to show everybody the power of resilience and picking yourself up again and mending your heart, blah blah blah, because that’s who I “am”. That is how I’ve built myself – from the rubble up, countless times.

But I’m convinced that the world doesn’t want to see a weak me.

I’m sick of pretending that I’m okay and getting by and dealing with it.
Are you okay?
No I’m not fucking okay but I’ve written so many lines on my face that it looks like a smile, that I look like I’m okay.

I thought I was getting better but it seems I’ve gotten better at suppressing how I truly feel.

I’m exhausted.

I just want to stay isolated and not interact with the outside world. Just leave me alone and let me crumble in peace (or pieces).

Please.

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Heavy

You look slim.

Well, yeah. I’ve been carrying my own weight on my back for the past three weeks. So of course, I’ve lost some of me along the way.

I don’t know how much longer I can continue like this, to be honest. I’ve fallen before and it took me one whole month of darkness, followed by the anguish of crawling out of that hole, to realize that I was the light at the end of the tunnel.

But I don’t want to fall again. I’m trying so fucking hard not to fall again, believe me. I do not want to fall again.

That dark place frightens me… I was the most numb I have ever been in my life and I do not want to go back to that lack of feeling anything.

But I know I’m slipping. I feel myself slipping. It never hit me until my sister told my mother to hug me because I was sad. Was my emptiness that evident? Of course it was – I always forget that my eyes never lie.

It never hit me until my friends told me that they needed me here, that I was irreplaceable, that they wanted me to stay. A simple four letter word, yet I laid in my bed bawling because I think they were thinking I was going to leave… Like I was even thinking of it………………. Maybe. But where would I even go? I can’t just fall off the face of the earth… Though I have started to slowly remove myself from the social face of the earth… I’ve already off’ed myself from there. I no longer care to show face on these platforms.

I no longer care to put on a show for people.

It never hit me until I prayed to God to make sure that I’ll be okay.

You stay asking me if I’m okay when you know me better than I know myself (sometimes… most times). I know you know that I’m not. What the fuck do you want me to say? What do you really want me to say?

That I’m still only functioning because I have responsibilities that I cannot stray from?
That I’m still only functioning because I’m working towards achieving my goals?
That I’m still only functioning because I’m forcing myself to be strong for one more day?

Do you know how fucking hard it is to “normally” function while having another episode?

Everyday is a new battle with the same boss in a different form.

Please believe me when I say I’m fighting it. Please believe me.
Please believe me when I say I’m trying. I’m trying so hard.
Please believe me when I say I come out a winner every time.

And I do. But is there even a point in me winning when I have nobody to share this victory with? It’s not the same.

I come out more victorious than the last but I can feel my demons creeping up on me. They’re creeping up ever so slyly and I know they’re going to strike out of the blue one day.
I tell myself I’m much stronger than this and that I’ve been through much worse and have pulled through. I tell myself that I’m a much bigger boss than these levels I face but everyday is a new battle and I never get a chance to rest.

I said I would be waiting for you at the finish line
but I don’t even know if I can take another step.

I know there is no expiry date on recovery or healing time but I’m exhausted of dragging myself to fight myself another day when all I want to do is just lay down and sleep for a long while…

I’m trying, I swear…

 

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