thoughts

Chasing Dopamine: LA

I’ve purposely avoided writing this for the simple fact that I did not want to write this at all. There were a lot of things that I wish I could have re-done, so many more places I wish I could have visited, and most importantly, things that I wanted to do by myself.

I’ve avoided writing this because I knew that it would bring back feelings of regret and disappointment.

It still stings to write this NOW – after having landed back in Toronto over a month ago… But I do realize that these are the things that have happened and that I absolutely cannot change. Therefore, they have become lessons for myself for the next time.

I definitely realized I still fall back into bad habits… I got distracted in LA. That is the perfect description of what had happened to me in my time here. I got distracted. Maybe it was the “glitz and glam” of the city, maybe it was because I devoted parts of me and my time into someone – maybe it was both. I got lost in the land of dreams, forgetting that you get lost in yourself too.

LA is so beautiful but it certainly does not wash over the fact that it is still nitty and gritty underneath the surface – (perhaps I am wrong, but this is my outsider view of the city). I’ve heard one too many stories of the city being so fake and it really made me wary of the people I would meet out there. Though I hadn’t met as many people out in LA, the very few I did meet, highlighted a lot of things about myself that I am still trying to work on/develop.

My “distraction” showed me that I still harbour trust issues. He could see it in the ways that I interacted with him, in the ways that I would question a lot, in my tone of voice… Well, of course, meeting someone in a completely different city has you cautious but he felt I was overly cautious (which I did see). Of course I had to be, however, I did see his intentions and he really did look out for me even though we had a short amount of time together. Though our interaction was not “deep”, I was grateful for the moments where we shared our art, shared our experiences, and shared laughter. After having told him the real reason why I left Toronto, he was very humbled (I’m crying as I type this) and told me that he was happy to be the one to put a smile on my face after having gone through what I did. There were a lot of little things that he did and said that made me feel (dare I say it) beautiful – that word included. It may not have meant much to him, but I appreciated it.

I missed out on an open mic in the city (ugh) HOWEVER, I was able to sit in on a book reading and Q&A from this poet that I follow on Twitter. You already know that THIS sole event put me back on my frequency and it was exactly what I needed and wanted to experience. From these few hours, I learned a lot about digging deep into the self to find the root of my issues and also learned (am still learning) about letting go. I was more than humbled to get to share a few words with the poet himself (and maybe I bought his book and got it signed too). My heart and soul were full. And yes I left the event in tears. Being in this space among other writers reminded me of the balance I was looking for – it reminded me that my heart stays replenishing itself of love and fullness.

Though I got to experience the few things I wanted to truly do, I will say that feeling the waves in motion, feeling the waves of the water, and most importantly, feeling the waves of emotion got me to to appreciate these rare opportunities of new environments. The one thing I truly wanted out of both trips was the space to breathe – the space to escape whatever I was feeling in Toronto. With LA, I felt the strength of the waves, the calmness of the breezes, and the vastness of the scenery. I don’t know what it is about LA that has me hooked but I managed to remain inspired by my surroundings at every waking second.

I left LA with new poems and a greater understanding of myself and how my heart operates with others that may need my love. I left LA with a greater understanding of my selflessness – although I would say that I am becoming more selfish, I feel like I need to dedicate my entire essence into myself when times of selfishness arise. I left LA with a greater understanding of my purpose – I am a source of light and healing. I left LA with a greater understanding of my time – I tend to give it to those who are unsure of it and don’t know what to do with it. I left LA with a greater understanding of my sense of direction – I may not know where I am going, and I know I may get lost on the way, but I will always find my path. I left LA with a greater understanding of my relationship with the universe.

I came back with a stronger heart, a more understanding mind, and a more balanced spirit.

Standard