thoughts

Chasing Dopamine: A Conversation

My friend had DM’ed me while I was on my Greyhound bus from Vegas to LA and this was the [edited] conversation that had transpired:

“What have you gained from this experience?”

Thus far? Knowing my capabilities.. My limits..

Funny bc everyone Ive met has said the same things about me which basically reinforces what I already know but Ive never owned it. Im owning me and what I do and who I am, especially as a woman. That’s one

Two, Ive had convos with folks who have also told me to do fuck all before settling. Make sure I got me before anything else. I feel like I already do in a sense lmao but there is so much of me I have yet to learn and experience and love and change/grow. Like, I deadass forget Im only 21. I have the world ahead of me especially with the opportunities I am taking and making for myself

Im meeting hella people, yeah, but that shit never mattered to me unless I leave some type of imprint or I learn something from them and vice versa

Energy never dies nor lies, yo. Shit is hella real lol

“Expand on ‘as a woman’”

Im still trying to deconstruct that tbh

But I feel like this whole self awareness thing plays a huge part in it. Im getting more in touch with my emotions, my mind, and my body and being comfortable with who I am. But also comfortable enough to know that I have to step out of that zone in order for me to progress. Words mean a lot and hold so much power so I try my best to think about what I say. I think how I portray myself is also important. Lmao Ive cleaned up over the years and Im just hella growing from here. But yeah, Ive grown to be comfortable in my shell. Im built different but Ive also built myself differently, if that makes sense


 

I can’t find the right words for it, but as I was typing all this to him, everything started to feel in place. Like I was supposed to be there in that exact moment. The serenity in me finding myself while on the way to my next destination opened another path for me, showing me that this is what love is supposed to feel like. This is what peace is supposed to feel like. This is what happiness is supposed to feel like. So best believe I was crying while typing that. It’s been a long ass time since I have felt in balance with my emotional, mental, and physical being. With those three in sync, I feel like my spiritual being has become more full than ever.

I am content with my journey. I am satisfied. However, that does not mean that I am not hungry for more.

This just means that I have taken that step towards that sense of more. This means that I am no longer afraid of who I am becoming – who I am supposed to be. Am I afraid of the journey? Best believe I am. But with every day comes new lessons and a stronger sense of preparedness.

I have grown to love and live within my solitude. And that’s all you really need on this journey. The comfort of being by yourself, the comfort of being in your head, the comfort of knowing you will be in uncomfortable situations. All of this is a part of a process.

In knowing that, it’s up to you on whether or not you want to ride.

But for me? I’m already riding my waves. And I’m grateful for the fact that I know how to swim.

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Music

Kehlani – Alive

 

 

 

 

Rain is good for the soul
Crazy how I feel the most warm when it’s cold
Drops hit the window and I drop down to the floor
I assume this is when I would miss you the most
I’m lying down
I’ve got this notepad where you laid your head
We use to go round and round
Making love in my bed
We were in so deep
We could barely tread
But now I found a way to heal myself instead

And damn I feel alive
Baby, damn I feel alive
It’s like something has to die
To help you realize
Damn I feel alive

We were in a weird place
Crazy how a person you love could just change
Now I am learning to realize we needed our space
I could never hurt you, we use to be great
And you use to say, what goes around comes around so fast
Now just look at the way
I’m moving on and you stuck in the past
I deserve a love that is gonna last
But until then I will just raise this glass

And damn I feel alive
Baby, damn I feel alive
It’s like something has to die
To help you realize
Damn I feel alive

I feel, I feel
Turn this song up if you feel alive
I feel, you feel
Let it all go cause right now’s the time
Let go, live on
So you can be free, yeah free to fly
I know it’s hard but it’s worth it

And damn I feel alive
Baby, damn I feel alive
It’s like something has to die
To help you realize
Damn I feel alive

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Music

H.E.R. – Focus

 

[Chorus]
Me
Can you focus on me?
Baby, can you focus on me?
Babe

[Verse 1]
Hands in the soap
Have the faucet’s running
And I keep looking at you
Stuck on your phone
And you’re stuck in your zone
You don’t have a clue

[Pre-Chorus]
But I don’t wanna give up
Baby, I just want you to get up
Lately I’ve been a little fed up
Wish you would just focus on

[Chorus]
Me
Can you focus on me?
Baby, can you focus on me?
Me
Me
Can you focus on me?
Baby, can you focus on me?

[Verse 2]
Lazy and broke?
No, he get this money
So I guess I can’t complain
But I feel alone even when we’re alone
And that don’t cost a thing

[Pre-Chorus]
But I don’t wanna give up
Baby, I just want you to get up
Lately I’ve been a little fed up
Wish you would just focus on

[Chorus]
Me
Can you focus on me?
Baby, can you focus on me?
Baby
Me
Can you focus on me?
Baby, can you focus on me?
Me

[Outro]
Baby, focus
Can’t you see?
I just wanna love you, baby
Look me in my eyes

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Music

Raye ft. Stormzy – Ambition

 

 

[Verse 1: Raye]
In August, I’m staring at rain clouds
A descendant of London
I watch as people are falling like rain
Encouraged to seek other options
I don’t need other options
You either eat it or you spit it out
You’re either silent or you run your mouth
You breathe in or you breathe out
I’m so cold but the sun’s up
Like it’s winter all year, oh
So welcome you to it now
Oh, wait, that was my sound
Could you dig it up or sweat it out?
Could you give it up and sit down?
But after that, I hope you know your place
Cause you just gave me the damn crown

[Chorus: Raye]
And I’m gonna wear it proud
Watch me as I wear it now
I’mma ride this money like a wave
This money like a wave, this money like a wave

[Bridge: Raye]
Now I made it this far, but this far ain’t nothing
If we’re talking ambition, I think you should know that I don’t wanna settle for nothing
I wanna know that I got myself
I wanna ride my money like a wave
My money like a wave, my money like a wave, yeah

[Verse 2: Raye]
I want the future, I want the best view
I’d like to buy all my day ones a house too
Collie, Ben, Jodie, I got you
I’ve got a list of everything I would do
Make that dumb guy regret what he did do
Then he’ll be calling up my phone like “I miss you”
Then I’ll be like “haha, you can go now
Cause you didn’t wanna know when I told you
I’m gonna make something of my life”
Believe that, yeah babe
I’ve got God, he is on my side
And I’m a child of ’97 so I plan to be on time
And I’m ahead of this game
Yes, I were meant for this life, oh

[Chorus: Raye]
And I’m gonna wear it proud
Watch me as I wear it now
I’mma ride this money like a wave
This money like a wave, this money like a wave

[Verse 3: Stormzy]
You know I only phone back
If I know that it’s the money calling
Tell ’em bitches “do not phone back
I am in the studio recording”
Mummy, listen when I’m talking
Mummy, listen, it’s important
I wasn’t gonna tell you, but I thought I’d let you know
That I just got us both a mortgage
Now it’s top floor with these fancy reservations
I don’t even like it, I’m just here for observations
Tryna tell the difference from my people and my pagans
Cuh’ the last time that I slipped, I had a sticky situation
I will never slip again, you can put that on my savings
They wait for me to fall, I keep on waiting
This feeling is amazing, how’s it feel to hate the kid
But deep inside, you know you rate him? Man, that shit must be frustrating

[Chorus: Raye]
And I’m gonna wear it proud
Watch me as I wear it now
I’mma ride this money like a wave
This money like a wave, this money like a wave

[Bridge: Raye]
Now I made it this far, but this far ain’t nothing
If we’re talking ambition, I think you should know that I don’t wanna settle for nothing
I wanna know that I got myself
I wanna ride my money like a wave
My money like a wave, my money like a wave, yeah

[Outro: Raye]
Now I made it this far, but this far ain’t nothing
If we’re talking ambition, I think you should know that I don’t wanna settle for nothing

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