It’s been three months since my last blog post. I have chosen not to write as I am not in the same place as I was before. I needed the time to myself to get things off my chest – I needed to clear my mind, and most importantly, I needed to clear my heart.
I did most of that all while deconstructing myself (once again) to get to the root of my bittersweet feelings. The wait was intentional because I wanted my heart to be back where my pen was. However, no matter the number of times I tried to get back to it, the feeling was no longer there, or the words didn’t flow as easily as they used to. Excuse or not, I took one of the longest hiatuses from my pen game which is why I’m not able to produce as well as I used to. I’ve turned to other means to release any feelings of discomfort and negativity which could be another reason as to why I haven’t been back at the pen. My pen seems to be missing my heart but I will keep [my attempts at] writing until they meet again.
In getting to know myself and feel myself grow, I have prioritized doing everything else instead of allowing myself to feel through whatever I am going through. I am not sure if I have grown into this or if this is just another one of my coping mechanisms but I feel like I have become wiser with my emotions (if that makes sense) and more realistic with how I feel as an emotional being.
Control is something that I have lost before my hiatus and I took the time to train myself into gaining more control over my emotions and mental space. I took the time to really hone my feelings so that I won’t lose my shit again, but even more so that I won’t lose myself again.
Getting back into the other hobbies I like doing has also helped to restore some kind of balance in my life that I have been missing for a while. It was almost as if it was a reminder that there is not one formula to reach self love. Though I spend my time delving into other side projects, I’ve also been dedicating a lot of my time to my job. (Who doesn’t need money in this economy?)
I’ve become more focused on my larger goals and dreams that I pushed all else aside so that I can work within a tunnel vision. As great as that sounds, having tunnel vision made me miss the importance of things outside of the view, such as my health, my friends, family, etc.
Not even gonna lie, my mind is all over the place because I have yet to start this paper, but I made a promise to myself to start writing again because I’ve lost touch with something that I’m actually good at.
And after spending time reading through my old poems and watching old performances, I can already feel the disappointment from the writer side of me.