Music

Kimbra – Two Way Street

 

 

I feel the four become five
And I’m waiting, waiting, waiting
For you to walk down the boulevard
And to take me, take me, take me

But the moment you appear
You wake me, wake me, wake me
Out of the slumbers of my head
From the slums of loneliness

[Hook]
And there’s no conspiracy
Behind the way two hearts meet
When love is a two way street (Love is a two way street)
And I think I’m ready
To let you get under my skin
I can’t make you fall for me (Love is a two way street)

We’re coming close to our fame
They’ll put a star beside our names
But I couldn’t care for the history
When I’ve got you in front of me

And the cars could all collide
The shards of glass
 won’t catch my eye
Because you’re almost by my side
We’re counting down at the green light

[Hook]

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Music

Ariana Grande ft. Macy Gray – Leave Me Lonely

 

 

[Refrain: Macy Gray]
Dangerous love
You’re no good for me, darling
Yeah, you turn me away
Like I’m begging for a dollar
Danger, oh, how you hold me
I get a chill inside
And nothing frightens me, baby, oh

[Verse 1: Ariana Grande]
Is it love when so easily you said goodbye?
Is it love when we’ve given up before we tried?
Is it love when you stole my peace of mind?
Is it love when you cry, and cry and cry?

[Pre-Chorus: Ariana Grande]
So when you walk out that door
Don’t you come back no more
My heart has had enough of the give and take
And as much as I want you to stay

[Chorus 1: Ariana Grande]
You’re a dangerous love
Maybe you’re no good for me, darling
Cause if you’re gonna love me and leave me hanging here
Then I’d rather you leave me lonely
Even though it hurts
Ooh, you’re a dangerous love, oh

[Refrain: Macy Gray]
Dangerous love
You’re no good for me, darling
Yeah, you turn me away
Like I’m begging for a dollar
Danger, oh, how you hold me
I get a chill inside
And nothing frightens me, baby, oh

[Pre-Chorus: Ariana Grande]
So when you walk out that door
Don’t you come back no more
My heart has had enough of the give and take
And as much as I want you to stay

[Chorus 2: Ariana Grande]
You’re a dangerous love
Maybe you’re no good for me, darling
Cause if you’re gonna love me and leave me hanging here
Then I’d rather you leave, leave me lonely
Even though it hurts
You’re a dangerous love, baby

[Refrain: Macy Gray]
Dangerous love
You’re no good for me, darling
Yeah, you turn me away
Like I’m begging for a dollar
Danger, oh, how you hold me
I get a chill inside
And nothing frightens me, baby, oh

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Music

Beyoncé – Resentment

 

 

[Verse 1]
I wish I could believe you, then I’d be alright
But now everything you told me really don’t apply to the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you have multiplied
And it’s all because you lied

[Chorus]
I only give you a hard time
Cause I can’t go on and pretend like I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

[Verse 2]
Just can’t seem to get over the way you hurt me
Don’t know how you gave another who didn’t mean a thing
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you, and I know you’ve changed
As much as I want to trust you, I know it ain’t the same
And it’s all because you lied

[Chorus]
I only give you a hard time
Cause I can’t go on and pretend like I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

[Bridge]
I may never understand why
I’m doing the best that I can
And I tried, and I tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

I’ll always remember feeling like I was no good
Like I couldn’t do it for you like your mistress could
And it’s all because you lied
Loved you more than another, more than my own life
But that part of me I gave you, it was sacrificed
And it’s all because you lied

[Chorus]
I only give you a hard time
Cause I can’t go on and pretend like I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

[Outro]
I know she was attractive, but I was here first
Been riding with you for 6 years
Why did I deserve to be treated this way by you?
I know you’re probably thinking, “What’s up with B?”
I been crying for too long, what did you do to me?
I used to be so strong, but now you took my soul
I’m crying, can’t stop crying
Can’t stop crying
You could’ve told me you wasn’t happy
I know you didn’t wanna hurt me
But look what you’ve done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me
How could you lie?

 

 

 

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thoughts

An Open Reflection: Views

If you’re reading this, I still hope that you are doing well… I hope that you no longer find refuge at the bottom of every bottle… I hope that you are taking care of yourself… I hope that you have found the love within yourself that you have been longing for.

It’s the one year anniversary of the release of Views.

Nothing note-worthy to most, but to me this album brought a lot back into my life.

I was in this toxic cycle with this guy for two years. I say toxic because it did a lot of damage to me emotionally and mentally yet I kept going back; I don’t know the repercussions he had to go through but I can imagine they were somewhat similar. (I eventually found out about the things he had to go through, but I’ll get to that later.)

I will start by saying this: we were both young and had no intentions, period.

Yet I managed to fall first and fast, and somewhere along the line he did too. But here is the catch (ironic of me to use this word), we never talked. We never once spent the time to get to know each other – it was only trivial. We traveled distances yet never took that same effort to start a conversation. It was a constant back and forth of days of lust and only hitting the surface levels. I misunderstood our connection for something more and so I craved it because it felt good to me at the time. I thought that because we vibed so well and knew each other without words, it was something deeper. And once upon a time ago, I thought he was my soulmate because he just got it. He simply understood my passions and saw them, too. He played the right music to get into my mind… He knew what to do to get into my soul.

This went on for two years. Yeah, two fucking years. Though I met people in between, I was always looking for him in the men I sought. It was pieces of him, whether it was his knowledge of music, his passion for the music, his humour, his gentleness… I would always search for his name in others’.

I laugh as I write this now because I have learned so much from my experiences with him but what broke me almost entirely is what unfolded last year.

I remember a lot of things, most things – I remember the things that hit me in the heart… Sometimes they haunt me, sometimes they remind me of how much I have grown, sometimes they remind me of what was lost. Nonetheless, a remembrance of a learning experience.

I still remember the day that he finally asked me out so that we can get to know each other better. This conversation was a whole entire 6 hours of him implying I was his dream girl, how I can be his tour manager and how we could fuck up the world together, (me reflecting on this now) him feeding me nonsense… But I remember how happy I was because this was what I was waiting for, for two fucking years. We were to go before he left for vacation before the end of the year.

What crushed me was the fact that it never fucking happened. I even gave him the benefit of the doubt and waited until he came back in the new year. Days turned into weeks until I got fed up. So fed up that I deleted him off of everything. Mind you, during the two years of back and forth and all of the others in between, he was the only one I had kept on my social media – everyone else was deleted, blocked, or simply forgotten.

I wasn’t hurt until one night (months later) I went to a party with my cousins and he was there. I’m smiling as I type this because I remember the night so vividly. His attempts at trying to catch my attention were petty but I noticed them, just paid them no mind.

Then I went back to that same party the next week, this time with just one of my cousins. And yup, he was there. And yup, he came back with full force, this time grabbing my full attention by drunkenly serenading me to Bryson Tiller’s Don’t.

God, that night was a drunken hot mess.

We ended up talking in the back of the venue – him going on to explain EVERYTHING. How sorry he was for putting me through the whole ordeal, how it crushed him when he noticed that I unfollowed/blocked/deleted him off everything… How my action put him in this state… How he should have told me he wasn’t ready… How he suffers from anxiety (at this point I told him I was diagnosed with depression)… How he felt lost… How I didn’t deserve any of this…

Then I let him kiss me. If you got this far, you’re probably screeching HOW COULD YOU?! I didn’t let him just kiss me, though. It was one of those it’s-been-forever-and-I-really-wanted-this type joints. Those I-crave-you type joints. Them I-love-you type joints. Maybe it was love, maybe it was lust. But it was definitely the liquid courage that powered all of this.

And I left with his number in my phone again. (My mistake, right?) (You say, Right.)

And my mistake that definitely was because when I reached home (aka my cousin’s place for the night) after this scene, a lot more happened.

We ended up talking until the sun rose…

We ended up talking about Views because it had dropped that week, and well, he dedicated the album to me. Told me he thinks of me whenever Redemption plays. Said he wants to get to know me to Fire & Desire. Said I was his muse… Said he has so much love for me… Said it’s been me all along…

And of course I gave him another chance (this is where the audience sighs in disappointment). I wanted to see what would happen – what finally could happen.

Fast forward to present day, I can say that you can take a wild guess at where we stand now.

We don’t.

We talked everything out, some more things occurred… And, well, at least we are okay with each other. No bad blood, no animosity between us.

The biggest lesson here is to obviously not wait for no man – EVER. I knew I didn’t deserve to be used for convenience yet I still stayed. Why? I guess it’s because I wanted that partnership no matter how faint it was. I guess it’s because it was all I really knew so I settled for that. I guess it’s because I didn’t act on knowing the true value of who I was as a woman. And it took me two years of this shit for me to accept it and move on, knowing that it was not meant to be. That we were not meant to be.

I knew I didn’t deserve it at all. I knew he didn’t deserve what I had to bring to the table. I knew I deserved to be treated better. I knew that there was more for me out there. But I settled for the thrill, the temporary high, the almost enough.

Almost is never enough.

And the day that I finally let go of our possibilities was the day that I felt freed.

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Poetry

lover(s)

We were at peace in the meadows
fingers grazing the tips of the grass
outlining the sharpness of our edges
you kissed the sun with my lips
and made a bed with the flowers

I continued to chase this dream as you laid there
wide awake beside my oblivion
until your body could no longer handle the static
the numb unknowingness of your own limbs,
scared of the beat of your own heart
your soul left alongside your corpse

I woke up in a bed whose weight was filled
with only the imprint of your body
but I can still feel your heart beating
I can still feel your arm around me
cradling me
the memory hit me so vividly

But it can never replace the feeling
of your warmth radiating between the sheets
so I lay there in full consciousness
paralyzed to the fact that you went missing
I close my eyes again in hopes of dreaming
of the sun

I caught a glimpse of gray
a sluggish figure pushing both feet forward
restless but persistent on getting somewhere
its outline made out to be you
but his aura was dim
darker than I had last seen you

I observed from the distance
noticing the baggage you dragged along with you
witnessing you move along for days on end
mood never changing, only somber
slowly understanding why you left
before you could drag me along with you too

Many questions left unanswered
knowing I would have been your backbone
a lighthouse when needing guidance
though I realize this was never my battle to fight
I still wanted to be in your corner
but you never wanted me to be
so I just stand still
and wait

Time passes as my feet planted numb in the soil I stand on
watching your hands tick and feet move
to the pace of your heartbeat
it hurts to remember what that was like
and hurts to remember how strong my legs have been
all this time

So I wonder if you forgot about me already
not once have you remembered
how tall I stood
how firmly my feet have been planted
I wonder if you still care
or if you ever did
because he would have never left me
alone
It seems that was the old you

Time continues to pass me by
until one day we meet at a crossroads
I’m standing at the edge of the meadow
you on the concrete in front of me
both waiting to see who crosses
the line
first

 

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Poetry

enough

Curves full of body and soul,
are your hands whole enough to hold her?

Are they strong enough to not let her slip through the cracks of your fingers?
Do you see how much she carries between them?
How much power she holds in just the spaces?

She leaves them open
for you

But are your hands ready?
Are you willing to have knuckles crack at the expense of freedom,
willing to get your fingernails dirty,
willing to risk breaking bones
Are you willing?

Are you enough?

Are your hands delicate enough to cradle her heart
letting it pulse in your palms
transferring energy through your fingertips

Can you feel her pain?

Can you feel the number of times it has broken before you
its tears still in the process of healing
can you feel them too?
its beat emulating the syllables of lies she has heard before you
following a basic algorithm

Are you the one to solve this calculation?

Are you smart enough to decode her locks?

Maybe you can unlock her walls
revealing the bareness of something real

But will she let you?

Unknowing of the weight of it all
are you ready to catch her when she falls?

Are your hands bold enough to hold her back when she wants to chase danger?

What if she wanted to chase you?

What if she wanted to keep chasing you into tomorrow,
making each tomorrow better
so it feels like you’re forever living
today

Do you still want to hold her then?

What if forever is not enough for her
what if she wanted yesterday

So how about now?

Will you still be there to hold her tomorrow?

If she brings a tsunami will you offer your hand
or do you watch her drown in her own faults

But what if she brings the sun?
Do you hide yourself from chances at burning
or embrace her radiance

Endless possibilities with predictable reason
her energy fed with passion unlike another

Can you handle it?

She will always be more,
never empty
a continuous refill of might

A woman with such power holds the nerve
has the audacity to make a man question if he is
enough
to hold
her

This power held not with her words
nor actions
but with a simple glare
that gleam in her eyes that asks,

Are you scared yet?
Are you enough?
Are you love?

But are you man enough
to let her know,

You are
You are not
You

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Poetry

garden

She wanted the beginning
the start of it all,
to experience the growth of a seed

The transformation towards each stage,
metamorphosis of a new essence
she wanted to feel the bloom
she wanted to be a part of the process

Did you want a flower to grow,
when all you had was the soil for her to walk on

unwatered
unkept

Yet she was still able to plant you a garden
bringing her own water
and sunshine

She sometimes wonders why
you never stopped her from planting her seeds
you stand there and watch her

Are your eyes capable of watching her water your garden?
your eyes dry yet open wide
as for hers, she cries
hoping for one miracle

Are you capable of watching her wait for the flowers to bloom?
her faith as blinding as the sun
the vision for a garden so big growing closer
and closer

Can you see the colours yet?
or are you still focused on the lack of petals
the lack of space filled

Because she can smell the stems
she can feel the roots

Did you want her to watch you grow?

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