Poetry

phoenix (performance edit)

I have burned myself to the core for the sole purpose of my renewal
and resurrected from the burdens of my past mistakes and decisions

From these ashes I rise brand new
shedding any remnant of a past me you once knew
She no longer lives here
but her memories serve as lessons for as long as these wings pick up the winds beneath them

Her journey is as far as the edges of the horizon and as deep as her soul allows
though the depths of this distance may frighten her
she knows she will never be lost or drown

After creating homes in places I have never known
I feel familiarity within the ways the winds blow
its routes reassuring the power of my wings
I let my history weigh in
slowly but delicately
my legs have been waiting for this moment

And I take off once more

Reclaiming a newfound strength that is untouchable
unbreakable
feeding the stomach of her new being
she is nourished with knowledge, love, and light

Soaring to new heights, I am no longer afraid to fall
knowing I will rise once again

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thoughts

Chasing Dopamine: A Conversation

My friend had DM’ed me while I was on my Greyhound bus from Vegas to LA and this was the [edited] conversation that had transpired:

“What have you gained from this experience?”

Thus far? Knowing my capabilities.. My limits..

Funny bc everyone Ive met has said the same things about me which basically reinforces what I already know but Ive never owned it. Im owning me and what I do and who I am, especially as a woman. That’s one

Two, Ive had convos with folks who have also told me to do fuck all before settling. Make sure I got me before anything else. I feel like I already do in a sense lmao but there is so much of me I have yet to learn and experience and love and change/grow. Like, I deadass forget Im only 21. I have the world ahead of me especially with the opportunities I am taking and making for myself

Im meeting hella people, yeah, but that shit never mattered to me unless I leave some type of imprint or I learn something from them and vice versa

Energy never dies nor lies, yo. Shit is hella real lol

“Expand on ‘as a woman’”

Im still trying to deconstruct that tbh

But I feel like this whole self awareness thing plays a huge part in it. Im getting more in touch with my emotions, my mind, and my body and being comfortable with who I am. But also comfortable enough to know that I have to step out of that zone in order for me to progress. Words mean a lot and hold so much power so I try my best to think about what I say. I think how I portray myself is also important. Lmao Ive cleaned up over the years and Im just hella growing from here. But yeah, Ive grown to be comfortable in my shell. Im built different but Ive also built myself differently, if that makes sense


 

I can’t find the right words for it, but as I was typing all this to him, everything started to feel in place. Like I was supposed to be there in that exact moment. The serenity in me finding myself while on the way to my next destination opened another path for me, showing me that this is what love is supposed to feel like. This is what peace is supposed to feel like. This is what happiness is supposed to feel like. So best believe I was crying while typing that. It’s been a long ass time since I have felt in balance with my emotional, mental, and physical being. With those three in sync, I feel like my spiritual being has become more full than ever.

I am content with my journey. I am satisfied. However, that does not mean that I am not hungry for more.

This just means that I have taken that step towards that sense of more. This means that I am no longer afraid of who I am becoming – who I am supposed to be. Am I afraid of the journey? Best believe I am. But with every day comes new lessons and a stronger sense of preparedness.

I have grown to love and live within my solitude. And that’s all you really need on this journey. The comfort of being by yourself, the comfort of being in your head, the comfort of knowing you will be in uncomfortable situations. All of this is a part of a process.

In knowing that, it’s up to you on whether or not you want to ride.

But for me? I’m already riding my waves. And I’m grateful for the fact that I know how to swim.

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Chasing Dopamine: Las Vegas

My first city all by myself? Of course I was terrified but I was more than ready.

There were so many last minute changes to this trip in specific but I rode the wave and it took me on the most spontaneous of journeys.

I’m not gonna lie – I had no idea what I was doing. I was literally planning out my week during my first night in my first airbnb. This spot was a good 30 minutes away from the actual city so I had decided I would go about planning for the two nights I was staying in the burbs so that I can execute the rest of my week in the city.

Which is exactly what I did.

Monday

  • Open mic night
  • Walked to the mall (10 mins away) and the GoodWill
  • Walked to get tacos and horchata
  • Walked to downtown Las Vegas
  • Went to an open mic
  • Walked The Fremont Street Experience
  • Tacos/horchata
  • A mess of an adventure of a night – driving around Vegas and ended in a strip club

Tuesday

  • Walked around the area again
  • Went to another open mic
  • Checked another thrift store
  • Went to a pool party/club (Surrender @ Wynn)
  • Enchiladas/tacos

Wednesday

  • Went to The Richard Steele Boxing Club
  • Used Vegas transit for the first time and bought a 24-hour pass
  • Went to Fashion Show Mall
  • Hung out with some new friends

Thursday

  • Used Vegas transit again – commuted around the city
  • Tacos El Gordo
  • Went to Fremont Street during the evening to kill time
  • Went to another club (Intrigue)
  • Enchiladas/tacos/horchata

Friday

  • Authentic Thai food
  • Hotel party @ Planet Hollywood

Saturday

  • Strolling the Vegas Strip

I met so many wonderful artists and creatives during the Monday night open mic and my soul was already content. Not even that but just the feedback from the audience and feeling support was just… amazing. I really had no words. But this open mic opened the door for many friendships which carried on throughout my week in Vegas.

By my third day in Vegas, I already felt like I had found my purpose. I felt FULL. I felt personally fulfilled. It wasn’t until I had a conversation after going to the Richard Steele Boxing Gym where I felt this. Well, my events leading up to this day definitely contributed to this feeling for sure. And just meeting people in general and feeling their energy made that difference.

I was thanking the person that brought me to the gym. I thanked Richard Steele himself. I was honestly so grateful. All because I was able to step foot in that gym, watch my new friend box for a bit then I was able to learn a few combos from one of their trainers there. What got me is that their trainer (who was also in the military) saw “it” in me. I told him I started studying Muay Thai and after having shown me a few new moves, he was telling one of his fighters and the other boxing trainer that it’s in my blood. That’s when I felt like I was on the right path – like I was supposed to be doing this.

In my conversation with my new friend, he told me that I have this certain energy about me – it’s genuine. I can pick apart the bullshit and negativity – I can sense that in someone. I nearly cried in his car lol. We just met a couple days prior to this, and if he can sense this about me already? This just shows my personal growth and the type of energy I have been exuding.

And he wasn’t the first person to tell me this either. The many folks I have met throughout my time in Vegas have said the same thing about my energy.

It’s not like I didn’t know this already – people from Toronto have told me this as well.

So why does it matter what they think and feel from me?

This whole entire trip was supposed to be this journey of re-discovery. It was supposed to be the journey of me finding myself again.

However, I don’t think I was ever lost… I let cloudy thoughts take over, storming away what I already knew about myself. I just needed that extra boost of sunshine to clear the path I’m walking on. I needed that extra sunshine to guide me back home. Back to me. Back to who the fuck I proudly am.

My energy is the same, but stronger, after having spent some time alone. I’ve tested my waters by putting myself into new experiences and situations. I’ve tested my waters by trusting individuals that I have just met. I’ve tested my waters by trusting myself and my capabilities.

My self-awareness levels have definitely heightened while in Vegas. Though I surrounded myself with people, I had to fully trust in my senses and solitude. I had to be 10x aware of not only myself but of those around me especially because anything could happen. But let me give myself some credit because I have become more cautious with my energy and more aware of what I should and should not give my time to… Meaning, I can no longer force myself into situations where I do not feel fit.

With all that being said, back to that question.

People that don’t know me, people that are from a completely different city (hell, even a different country) telling me this solidifies what I already know and who I am trying to become. This is just confirming that I am on the right path of who I want to be and who I am already becoming.

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