thoughts

missing

Do you see how much power she holds in just the spaces?
She leaves them open
for you


Do you see how much force weighs in the just bones of her fingers?
How much strength she holds back because she knows what she is truly capable of?

 

I haven’t been myself lately and it’s evident. I was merely living in between the lines and not outside of the box I love to shield myself in.

But I have found my peace. Or so, I thought.

She no longer lives here. Serenity only filled the oxygen I was breathing for one fucking day. Now I feel sick and full of pollution.

I didn’t know how quickly my heart could be filled with such burning anger and hatred… It’s scary how it terrorized the love I struggled to but successfully build.

She doesn’t live here anymore.

And I’m scared.

My space has never been filled with such blistering negativity. If it had in the past, I made sure to rid of it before it encapsulates my entire being but I’m afraid it is too late.

My chest now rests in the pit of my stomach and I no longer have an appetite for anything.

I was told by many that my glow and happiness have inspired them to start/strengthen/continue their journey of self-discovery and self-love. I was told that my glow was so bright and beautiful…

To my friends reading this, to my friends that still care about me, to my friends that still love me despite this [temporary] storm, to those who looked up to me, to those who came to me for love and light and wisdom, to those who came to me for solace, to those that saw me as a “Queen”, to my cousins, to my sister…

I am sorry for disappointing you.

I’m never one to drag others down with me, so I ask that you respect my space. I won’t be here but I’ll still be around.

I know I’m going to look back at this post a few/several months from now and cringe at how I allowed this to happen to myself [again]. But I also know that I’m going to look back and be proud of how much I have grown from this bludgeoning moment and how much more I have loved myself.

But for now, I’ll keep fighting this losing battle.


I miss her. If anyone sees her, tell her that home is waiting for her return.

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Poetry

between

stuck in between the lines
I cannot be read
merely skimmed over as these letters no longer make sense
words formulated out of the simple act of writing
these sentences feel like sentences as my grip tightens around my pen
I write apology after apology but my ink never dries
it only tells white lies
and I’m back where I started
stuck in between the lines

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thoughts

If You’re Reading This

I’m already on my plane and I’ll be on my way.

I’ve said my goodbyes although I know I’m coming back. But, this one-way ticket is my only salvation right now.

These past few months have been excruciatingly tough for me, mentally. I forgot who the fuck I was – who the fuck I am. It was a constant battle of me reminding myself of my worth versus questioning why I was not worth the risk. I questioned why I wasn’t worth it, period.

I was at my all time low, floating at the bottom of whatever feeling this was, with no power to push myself to swim. I was exhausted… I grew so exhausted of my surroundings and of myself that I forgot what it was like to be happy.

But I was trying so hard to swim. I wrote a book and am now pushing it forward, I write for a music blog, I’ve worked endless hours, shit I even started taking Muay Thai classes to channel my anger and frustrations. I have also kept myself occupied with so many others things that I am doing for (and by) myself but I am only capable of holding this act together for so much longer. I felt so empty after having accomplished so much in so little time but I also felt dead towards every accomplishment.

I am burnt out.
I have been burnt out.

At the peak of this, I had messaged my friends in America and straight up said, “I’m coming to you. I’m going through another depressive episode.” That’s when I told myself, Fuck it. I am leaving.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted out. I knew there were more ways out than to completely be gone. That’s when I decided that I was going to leave for a little while. I couldn’t breathe. It was so hard for me to breathe the air here. I needed a break and I needed to breathe.

I planned everything accordingly and to the T… Which is why I haven’t been active on my blog. I was mentally and emotionally preparing myself for this trip. I was preparing for the head space that I have been longing for.

I was preparing to chase back the dopamine.

Though these past few months have been difficult, May has proven to me that the love I lost came back to me through other means. It was a slow climb – I’m still climbing – but I know I’ll get back up again.

I need this right now. I need this for my mental health. I need this for my heart. I need this for my soul.

I’ll be gone for a little bit, but I’ll always be with my loved ones. These waves never die.

I know who I am. It’s not like I never did. My self-awareness has grown during the time that I was down. This trip is only going to further solidify who I am as a person. As a woman.

If you fail to see who I am by the time I come back, shit, if you fail to see who I am RIGHT NOW… That is the truest tragedy. Not my depression. Not my anxiety.

But your inability to see the light.

I’ll be back soon,

I promise.

 

 

 

 

 

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Music

SZA ft. Travi$ Scott – Love Galore

 

 

[Intro: Travis Scott]
I need, I need
I need, I need
I need, I need
I need, I need
I need, I need

[Hook: SZA]
Love, love, love, love
‘long as we got
Love, love, love
‘long as we got

[Verse 1: SZA]
Done with these niggas
I don’t love these niggas
I dust off these niggas
Do it for fun
Don’t take it personal
Personally, I’m surprised you
Called me after the things I said
Skrrt, skrrt on niggas
Skirt up on niggas
Skirt down, you acting like me
Acting like we
Wasn’t more than a summer fling
I said farewell
You took it well
Promise I won’t cry over spilled milk
(Ooh no, I won’t)
Gimme a paper towel
Gimme another valium
Gimme another hour or two
Hour with you

[Pre-Hook: SZA & Travis Scott]
Why you bother me when you know you don’t want me?
Why you bother me when you know you got a woman?
Why you hit me when you know you know better?
Know you know better
Know your crew better than you do
Call me looking for ya (yeah)
I be looking for ya (yeah)
Got me looking forward to weekends
With you baby
With you baby
With you baby
With you

We do whatever we want
Go wherever we want
Love however we want
It don’t matter
You’ll do whatever I want
Get whatever I want
Get whatever I need
It’s about

[Hook: SZA]
Love, love, love, love
‘long as we got
Love, love, love
‘long as we got

[Verse 2: SZA]
Should’ve never gave you my number
I did it with you
Should’ve never let you hit it
I split it with you
I regret it
You gots a fetish
You gots a problem
Now it’s a problem, oh no
Skrrt, skrrt on bitches
I don’t know these bitches
Dig dirt on bitches
Do it for fun
Don’t take it personal baby
I love ’em all lately
Luh-love to my ladies
I dated a few

[Verse 3: Travis Scott]
Why you bother me?
Why you bother me?
Why you bother me?
Last time I checked you were the one that left
Me in a wreck, me in a mess
You all I rep, like my side I rep
That’s that Mo city
That side that you can’t come ’round at night, yeah
You like to get me high
You don’t want no one beside ya
You like when I make fire
You say La Flame can make you fly, yeah (make you fly, yeah)
Let me cum inside ya
Let me plant that seed inside, yeah
Ass and titties, titties
The only thing that stuck with me, with me
Only thing that was real
Only thing I could feel, you feel me? (feel me)
So why you bother me, why you bother me?
Tryna catch a P.O.V (tryna catch a P.O.V, nah)

[Hook: SZA]
Love, love, love, love
‘long as we got
Love, love, love
‘long as we got

[Outro: SZA]
Huooh, I came to your city
Lookin’ for lovin’ n licky
‘Cause you promised to put it down
All up in your city, lookin’ for you oh
Searchin’ for your light, oh
Only thing keeping me from jumpin’ you right now
Right now, love
Only thing keepin’ me by your side
Only thing keepin’ me by your side now

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thoughts

Me vs. Myself vs. I

The victor: my anxiety
The reigning champion: my depression

I would have never thought to see the day where I let my anxiety get to me. I’m stronger than this – I fucking KNOW I am… But here I am, succumbing to the depths of my own [negative] thoughts, allowing myself to be consumed by the backlogs of my memory, being absorbed by the white noise of whatever is going on in my mind.

It’s hard to explain to someone, really. That’s why I don’t talk much. Also because I know the catalyst of my situation and I don’t want to be judged for it. But it’s whatever – it’s always whatever.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I am more than grateful for the individuals in my life that have reached out and uplifted my mindset. I am more than grateful for the individuals in my life that always radiate love into our conversations, joy, happiness, laughter. Words cannot express how thankful I am for the handful that have kept my spirits up.

But I am so exhausted of living like I am full when really, I feel nothing. I’m numb again. My happiness can only last for so long and I cry every time because I’ve missed such a feeling. I’m really tired of this constant up and down of emotions, the continual fluctuation of feeling up and ready versus down and out. But more times I just don’t feel like doing anything.

It has reached the point where I feel the need to be intoxicated to hit the tip of the iceberg that is my so-called happiness. Lol shit makes me sad just thinking about it as I typed it…

You win, anxiety. You beat me again, depression.

I’m off it.

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Poetry

spiteful

Look what you’ve done

Created space to breathe
but space between two bodies
allows for someone else to intrude
to take my place
to take my name

Tales of this phenomenon have the same ending:
it does not exist.

All this space and time
to reconsider everything
to re-evaluate your options
as if alternatives never persisted
as if alternatives never existed, period

Yet you still longed for the room
to move as one with the distance
it can only grow further from here
I can feel us slipping
but maybe I’m wrong
maybe it makes us stronger,
apart

The confidence of having no second thoughts
you cut ties without hesitation,
pushed me to the point of non-existence
as if co-existing meant nothing to you,
left me hanging on my only lifeline

All this space and time
breathing the same oxygen as my anxiety
worries like carbon dioxide
my atmosphere is always clouded
deep breaths no longer help me

I breathe in the pressure
and they say that creates diamonds
but this builds to the point of the heaviest of rainfalls
and ashes,
soul resting in pieces
they blow away in the wind

You didn’t have to lie

I don’t think you comprehend
the repercussion of your sugar-coated words
never taste as sweet as they sound
sugar scarring my insides
stomach shredding at the process
that wasn’t the only thing you left broken

You should be sorry

Asking me where I was when you needed me years ago
implies you didn’t need me now
or when you wanted to level up the ranks

This was never a game in the first place

But the level before the last was a true test of your bravery
yet the heart of a lioness was too much to face
sheepishly turning away from your chance at being the first victor

Are you satisfied with yourself for making it this far?

You were the only one to have fought this hard for this long
then let go
and give up

Are you still satisfied?

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